love and some verses

Hello everybody! Seemed about time for a blog, I guess. So here's some word vomit of emotion.

I'm really happy its autumn but its so strange to be turning twenty. Also birthdays are sort of sad in New York. Like, this year it'll be better because I have more of an established life and Spencer will make it fun, but its sort of this really melancholy feel that its not like my birthdays used to be. Like...when it smells like fall and what I really want to be doing is getting a book order and going to Campfire where everybody makes a big deal of my birthday and afterwards we all bring our sleeping bags to my house and wear costumes and eat junk food and we play some games but what I'm really looking forward to the whole time is PRESENTS. And after presents we watch some movie I got to rent that probably goes with the theme of the party. And then we'll play truth or dare but nobody really has anything secret to tell except for how Molly probably likes Peter or Robert. What I really want for my birthday this year is a cake with candles so when I blow them out it will actually smell like how birthdays should.

Anyway - my life has been good. This year's schedule is supposed to be crazy hectic, but mine still hasn't been too bad. It's a lot of work and it's hard to be constantly thinking of new, good ideas but I'm having a lot of fun and I feel like the creative part of my brain is so satisfied right now. I'm doing a lot of work I'm proud of which is all I can really hope for. I'm shooting a project tomorrow where two actors (Spencer and my friend Hannah, different than the one I live with) come into a room dressed up with animal masks and then take off their clothes and masks. It should be interesting to shoot and hopefully will look good in a silly way. Today the buses were running late from Spencer's dorm so I decided to skip my gen ed cause it meant having to go back to my dorm, get my stuff, and then hurry back. The class is cool - its called Religious Bodies. I like the topic a lot - its all about how our body is part of religion - either as a site of religious experience or as a sign - like what we show with our bodies, but the class itself can get a little boring. Its a lot of anthropological readings which get sort of tedious and I'm with a lot of religious studies/anthropology majors so its pretty dry. My other classes are going well - I love my TV class and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my writing class. The professor is amazing and probably my favorite I've had so far.

On the friend front - things are fine. I see Hannah a lot, which is great. Laura's been...super crazy. She's constantly in a bad mood and gets really snippy and confrontational about everything so I just sort of avoid the whole situation. She's also just...really materialistic, which she admits, and I mean is fine to some extent. I love clothes and I love getting new things, but she just seems silly to me. She's always buying new stuff and expensive groceries and its just sort of dumb. I feel like our room itself is the perfect metaphor for our relationship. She moved her bed so it now juts into the room - while mine's next to the wall, so her bed takes up most of the space. Her things take up most of the closet and everything she owns is overflowing with things. Even my dresser always has her stuff left on it. I'm really worried cause she wants to do the same study abroad program as me and I really cannot handle having her be the only person I know on an entire continent. But the thing is its my DREAM program and I'm so so so excited for it that I really don't want to let her ruin it. I think last year it was just so much easier because we both felt really happy to have someone since everything was so new and crazy and I felt like I had to put up with her, but, this year, I have no more interest in humoring her and I don't need to put up with all her crazy negativity all the time. We're just very very different.

Also Sabrina's been...not so fun to live with. She's a really sweet person but totally lives in this dreamworld where everything's sort of perfect for her but she totally doesn't realize it. She has so so so much. She's really affluent and her family has so many connections in the film industry that she never needs to worry about a job or money. She also has a lot of connections to celebrities and will just say things like "One time Carrie Fischer braided my hair like Princess Leia for school" and I'll just get so pissed off (which is totally my own fault because I'm super super jealous) and won't even be able to say anything to her. I mean, it's not her fault her life is amazing but it's just incredibly irritating that she has something that I've spent soo much of my life wanting - like ugh I used to have dreams I was meeting someone from the cast of Star Wars. She's also on Spencer's crew for his production class and can get incredibly lazy - like asking me to take equipment to Spencer's dorm for her and not going to shoots, which is just so frustrating.

It's been more apparent how different I am from the people I'm living with and it's been so nice to meet new people. I really like some of Spencer's friends in film and they asked Spencer why I was living with Laura and Sabrina cause we seemed so different and I had to think...and I figured out - I totally agree. I don't know why we're living together. I don't have any of their interests and I'm so much more about...being relaxed. I don't want to severe ties but I think we're just way better as casual friends than roommates. I ran into this girl, Camille, last night and we ended up talking about study abroad and my roommates and stuff. She also wants to write for TV so we have a lot in common, plus she's hilarious and super fun. It was such a nice time and I got to complain to her about how tense my room always is and she said that she always wanted to hang out with me, but doesn't want to invite the whole group of my suite which, in possibly a mean way, made me so so happy. I really, really hope she does the same study abroad as me because she's so much fun and I would love to be better friends with her.

And as for Spencer - He's really, really, really great. :)

Lay and Learn What Each Other's Bodies Were For

Hey guyyyyyys. Thought I'd give you a quick update on my life. I'm in sort of a weird mood right now and it might just be like period weird moodiness (gross) but also its just sort of an ugh feeling. I've been spending tons of time with Spencer all semester which is amazing and I'm being super codependent, but I haven't been spending a ton of time with my friends and I've been realizing having spent a lot of time away from them...I don't really like them all that much. I mean, I love love love Hannah but the less time I spend with Laura the less I...like her. She's been really snippy all semester and every time I see her she has a new thing to be weirdly passive aggressive to me about.

Maybe it's something I'm doing (like she's mad I'm never around) but she's been so much worse to live with this year. Hannah also pointed out that Laura says things that many people (and by many I mean...like every person who has normal social skills) would consider incredibly rude. Like yesterday her mom was here and her mom asked how we divide up the cleaning in our suite and in the snidest voice Laura says "Some of us clean more than others. And by some of us I mean me and Sabrina." Note, she said this while I was sitting across the room. Seriously, if you have a problem just fucking tell me, don't be a bitch. (also this is totally petty but she leaves her shit EVERYWHERE, like she gets undressed in the bathroom and just leaves her clothes on the ground - which is annoying by itself but then she gets on everybody else's case about "not being clean enough" and how she "likes it to be clean" which she always states in this super rude condescending tone. I clean just as much as everybody else - and I am super careful to make sure all my shit is put away and I don't cause any problems for anybody else cause and she just doesn't notice all the things we do for her). I'm really, really sick of it. She's also just mean and rude in public. You know those people you're behind in line sometimes who get in really weird confrontational arguments with servers that are like CLEARLY not the servers fault and you're always thinking to yourself "what's that person's deal?" Well...that's Laura.

I thought it was just me being annoyed but Spencer pointed it out too. He was like "maybe its just me, but it seems like this year Laura's always mad at you." He also pointed out that all my friends here seem really different and how he doesn't get how we all get along and I'm starting to think...maybe its cause we don't? Like, I love Sabrina. She's the sweetest person and I would never want to do anything to her to hurt her feelings, but she can be a tough person to deal with because she comes from a very affluent and connected family in LA and our lives are drastically different and sometimes its hard for either of us to see the other one's perspective. So now I've just been freaking out cause I don't know what to do with myself. I want to have friends I have a lot of fun with and I just don't really have fun with my friends here. Plus I want to spend all my time with Spencer so I just get in this cycle of having no friends and being fine with Spencer and then feeling really alone when he's not around. There's a lot of people I wish I was better friends with but it seems like, though I know logically it isn't, too late to try and befriend anyone.

Also I'm starting to think about study abroad (screenwriting in Dublin! Yayyyyayayyy!) - which I'm really excited about, except Laura wants to do the same program as me at the same time and I just can't handle another semester with her - especially if she's my only friend in an entire city. Also the Dublin program is only available fall semester which means if if if if I'm still dating Spencer I would potentially not see him for the summer and then the first semester of next year...but that's awhile away and a lot of "ifs" before I need to worry for real.

So other than my big bitchfest about everything life is really good. I'm not crazy about my production class which is a huge chunk of my time but it's not forever and everything's not always fun in life so that's okay. I'm taking an awesome TV class that I'm sure I've mentioned and its been giving me hope that I won't be totally broke forever because working in TV business doesn't seem horrible if I don't make it as a writer. I love my writing class and my first script is due on Wednesday which is so exciting. And...Spencer. Makes everything really really really really good. I feel bad cause I've been super moody all week and looking gross and grumpy and he still seems to sort of like me which I'm amazed by. Sometimes I just feel like dying cause I don't feel good and I'm in a bad mood and he still wants to kiss me and stuff and I'm just like WHY DO YOU LIKE ME??? We went back to Jersey this weekend which was fun, cept I was sorta tired and grumpy so I ended up just laying around while his friends played Super Smash Bros.

That's all I can think of to talk about right now - hope everything is good for errybody else. I really miss you guys.

Because Myspace is out of Fashion

I've been spending all my time with Spencer. It's weird being with someone all the time, getting to know everything weird or embarrassing or stupid or gross or silly or sexy about someone, in a really really really really insanely good way. Example: Spencer now knows sometimes I don't shower for like four days because my hair looks weird when its wet.



(shown above - unshowered me)

fucking a

This blog may be more for myself but I just needed to get everything out of my brain at this moment.

So i have my first class of the year today and it was Religious Studies: Religious Bodies and its all about how the body is part of religious - as a signal - like what we show on our bodies and a site - what we do to our bodies and how our physical experiences (like sex and worship, etc) are part of religion and also about what it means to be part of a mortal, quickly expiring bit of flesh in the grand scheme of everything.

I know this may sound silly because it was one class in which we didn't even really talk about anything but AGHHH it was so good. I started thinking about all the things that are part of me and I feel like I have just nice a grasp on who I am and what I want in life right now - I'm so happy to be who I am, in my own physical body that may or may not contain an entire universe according to the Buddha. I'm going camping with Spencer soon and I'm just so ready to be out in nature, walking and hiking and using my body and I started thinking about the books I love like Dharma Bums -which is all about your body in connection to your faith and it all sorta CAME TOGETHER.

I know this sounds very muddled because at the moment I am inside, on my computer typing this but I feel I've spent a lot of my life not knowing what I am - from middle school where I was like am I an emo asshole?? And in high school I was never really an art kid and never really a theater kid - always on the edge and last year I wasn't really an Iowan but not yet a New Yorker - and everything seems to come together now. I am me - the me who loves nature and physical beauty (not just in people but in everything) and hiking even though I'm lazy and bad at it and who loves spirituality and has so much interest in religion and so much room to explore what our existence means and who likes to have my brain stimulated and challenged. Who likes the people I like and doesn't have time for the people I don't like, but would do anything for those I do grant time for. Who loves television and truly believes it has the potential to be the greatest art form yet - and wants to prove that belief to the world. Who wants to explore every part of the world I can and document it all, hopefully holding the hand of someone I want to have sex with every night. Who has a great capacity to love. That's who I am.

When I Said I Can See Me In Your Eyes, You Said I Can See You In My Bed

Hey guys! I feel like it's been soooo long since I talked to anyone but I left less than a week ago. It's been such a long week and I am so not ready for it to be over and for classes to start - except I got my syllabus for my TV history and criticism class and I honestly almost cried. I've been sort of wishy washy about film this summer but reading that syllabus just made me soo happy and so excited to actually be studying television (the first week is just about shows coming out this newest season HOW EXCITING IS THAT!?!?)

I feel like I need to blog so many things! This is my first chunk of time without anything going on (and by that I mean my first chunk of time without Spencer) and it's nice to just sit back, have a cup of coffee that I prepared in my own kitchen, and watch some long awaited Teen Mom. My roommates are all still asleep so I'm just having some nice alone time.

Sooooo my week! We got delayed because of the hurricane which was supposedly going to bring the apocalypse upon the East Coast so I got to New York on Monday night. Upperclassmen weren't supposed to move in til Tuesday, but they were chill and let me move in early. I got to see all my roommates who I missed so much. They went to a party, but I was totally exhausted so I just crashed in my bed. The next morning I had offered to help Spencer move in but he got here at seven, my alarm went off, I woke up - thought about how I was supposed to get up and just ending up falling back asleep. But eventually I got up and went to get breakfast with him and his mom. It was really nice. His mom's kinda intense but super nice and I'm still just really shy around his family. After that we went back and moved in a bunch of his stuff and went grocery shopping. He lives in Chinatown and there's no American grocery stores so it's impossible to find things like bread/cheese/milk so he just bought all these random things like bamboo sticks and dried vegetable and mysterious wax gourd drink. After that we went back to my room and spent the entire day just in bed. :) :) :) Later we ended up going to my friend Jesse's apartment for a bit but it was way too hot cause their air conditioning broke and they live in a seven story walk up so we left really early and went back to my room and fell asleep. Laura's "just friend" Dan slept over too so there was mad cuddling going on in our room.

The next day my parents were still in the city so I went to breakfast with them and we bought a couple last minute things for my dorm (like a lamp which was greatly needed because there's no overhead light in my bedroom! There's an overhead light IN OUR SHOWER - like two lights in the bathroom - one for the room and one for the shower but none for my entire bedroom). After that they left and I went to Spencer's dorm where we watched Game of Thrones (SO GOOD. OH MY GOD.), made jello shots, and ate delicious bread. We were supposed to hang out with his friend from home but she didn't end up coming into the city so we ended up just laying around again. He doesn't know his roommates but one seems super cool and the other is a very small, very meek boy from Hong Kong who seems sort of afraid of me.

The next day (yesterday) my roommates and I decided we needed to go to Ikea and get some kitchen stuff so I walked back from Chinatown (which is a healthy 40 minute walk). Ikea's in Brooklyn so we had to take a ferry over. We had a fun roommate day buying kitchen stuff (where I spent a lot of time being a frugal bitch and talking people out of expensive purchases). Plus Ikea is the most fun store ever - cept this trip was not nearly as romantic as my epic double date to Ikea with Spencer, Tacy and Eric. After we got back Spencer came over and a bunch of us just hung out. Laura's best friend from home, Lizi, who came to visit last year, just transferred to the Manhattan campus of Fordham so she came over. Lizi is the best. She's super nice, easy to get a long with and really really funny so it was a blast. It was also nice cause Spencer hadn't really hung out with my friends before so it was amazing that everybody was getting a long. It was just one of those moments were everything in life is really really good and you just have a fun time sitting around, goofing off with the people you love. After that Spencer and I went to his really good friend from home's dorm because she was making a giant dinner for tons of people (her parents are both professional chefs). It was super weird though because Giulia (Spencer's friend) lived on my floor last year and it was a ton of people from my floor, cept Laura and I never hung out with them so they were all like "oh...uh...hey...Didn't you live on our floor? We never really saw you guys..." Also Spencer used to date Giulia's old roommate so there were a lot of really awkward conversations like "Oh well everyone here is from the 7th floor. And Spencer who basically lived on the 7th floor." We ended up leaving pretty quickly though cause we weren't hungry (my friend left a bunch of ice cream in our freezer so we had a giant ice cream feast before we left) and went back to my dorm because we thought everyone would still be hanging out there but it turned out everybody was at my friend Aaron's so we just drank a bunch of wine, watched Game of Thrones and had a cuddlefest. Eventually Laura came home and Dan slept over so there was even more snuggling in the room.

Aaaaand this morning I woke up and Spencer just left to go meet his mom, who's in the city today. And that's been my amazing week which I just realized, from glancing over this blog, has been 90% snuggling Spencer. And that makes me incredibly, exceedingly, exceptionally happy. Eventually I'm going to go be an adult and shower and go grocery shopping (because I've been living off of granola bars my parents brought in the car...) and tonight Spencer's having all my roommates over to his dorm for dinner so we can all bond/experience Chinatown. Also this weekend Spencer and I are going to Jersey and then driving with his friends from home to this giant renaissance faire in New York state and I'm super excited. :)

Sorry this blog has been sort of word vomit and possibly super boring, but I wanted to let you guys know everything I'm doing! Keep me updated on your lives (even if it seems super silly and pointless I REALLY WANT TO KNOW I PROMISE). I miss you all and I love you!! :)

(Also also I've been listening to a lot of new music cuz I can finally download things and I found this amazing song you should all check out, but ignore the video because it's super silly - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvaDdufutzA)

New Blog - Indianola Edition

'Ello ladies!

Most of you have seen me in the past few days but I thought I'd blog just CAUSE (I'm bored).

So the last days of school were chill, but super sad. My final narrative came out pretty well, I think - check it out if you haven't (its on my vimeo - just google emily berge vimeo). I was really sad to leave my friends at school. On the last night we broke in to my suitemate (who had already packed and left)'s room and lit candles and messed around with tarot cards and had a "seance" and ate snacks and told secrets. It was really fun and a wonderful way to end the year. The next day I packed in a frenzy - with help from Hannah and Jesse who had slept over and Ryan who lives down the hall. After that I left and drove all the way back to Iowa.

I got home and saw all of you guys and I'm SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. Like, I was worried I would really miss New York, but I do not at the moment. The first day back I went to Lake Ahquabi and listened to the Into the Wild soundtrack and breathed in the air and the air smelled SO GOOD. And I was alone. Like completely alone for the first time in so long and my soul felt a bit more cleansed. I missed trees and smelling the air and hearing birds. Also, I really really missed you guys. When I was at school I tried not to think about it because I didn't want to be homesick, but I really love you guys. You are always fun and you make me laugh so much. You are the best friends anyone could ask for and every time we've hung out since I've been home has been such a blast. I am so so excited for the rest of the summer.

So the things that have happened this summer....

- Alec's party. I hooked up with Alec which was a weird, bad idea. It was fine though cause the next day I was like AHH I hope this doesn't hurt our friendship and he was like yeah no big deal, we were drunk. Also lots of naked hot tubbing which was interesting. Maybe I'm getting over my fear of being naked? I'm even more excited for the epicness of Alec's next party which will be even bigger.

- I'm going to be working at Family Video next week so come rent lotsa movies.

- Walking Dead and Mad Men marathons

- I finally replied to the epic letter that Jake wrote me, but I'm wondering if he even got my reply which makes me sad. We will see, I guess.

Sooo...that's about it so far :)

beautiful monsters

So the end of the year is here (ew that sentence rhymes) and honestly, I never thought it would happen. Like, logically, I didn't think I was going to die or anything this year but I remember looking at the syllabus of my Language of Film class at the beginning of the year and seeing the last week schedule and just thinking "Nahhh, that's not gonna happen."

Right now I should be doing a million (hyperbole - like two other major things) things but blogging is a good procrastination tool at the moment. My brains super jumbled and hungover so this blog is going to be sorta word vomit, so bare (bear?) with me.

My parents just got in to the city - my mom's doing a residency thing at a clinic here in New York so they're staying for a week before I leave on Saturday. I'm kinda bummed about this (last night I was super drunk and started crying to my friend about it) cause I feel like it's unfair for them to be here. I love them a lot and I'm going to be seeing them everyday for the next three months - I just wanted my last week here for myself, instead of a vacation with my parents. Like I know I'm being a baby about it, but I'm really not ready to leave so I don't want to prolong the process. I either want to leave right now or never.

The past few weeks have been really busy and really good. I'm working on my final narrative for my production class (actually I should be finishing it RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT IS DUE TOMORROW). It's going really well - I'll post it online later tonight probably so you should all check it out. It's been such a huge process to get it done that I'm so ready to have a finish product. It's starring three of my friends (Zach, Eric and Ian). I was super nervous to direct them, but I survived. We had one day where we went out to Prospect Park in Brooklyn and just ran around in nature which was amazingly refreshing. The boys ran around a bunch and just hit stuff with sticks. It was super funny and silly.

I've also been crewing on a senior thesis film called Occult. It's AWESOME. Laura's production designing which is a really big deal for a freshman. It's a movie about dark magic and Nazis so it's super badass. The director is also really loaded so the budget is $80,000. It's incredible. I helped build a set of a tank and helped out on a night shoot. I was in charge of keeping pedestrians off the set. We looked so professional that passersby kept accusing me of lying to them about it being a student film - like "nahh that's way too legit - there's gotta be somebody famous here"

I've also had this huge ginormous crush on a boy in film. Crushes are so tumultuous and I feel like I'm thirteen cause I'm so awestruck around him that I can't talk - I just giggle and make weird faces. I'm not totally ready to describe the whole situation cause it's still so fresh and brewing in my mind that I don't wanna change it by talking about it (if that makes sense?), but it's just crummy timing with the end of the year - but I mean there's no hurry in life. It's just another reason I'm not ready for summer.

Last night we had a crazy busy night. We went to Shake Shack which is the most AMAZING burger place. I had a shroom burger that was like a fried mushroom burger stuffed with cheese. I can't even describe to you the amazingness of it. After that we went to a comedy show (where said crush performed), then to my friend's apartment warming party - which was just so wonderful because he has such a nice apartment and we were drinking wine and sitting around with all these people I really love being artsy and classy and it was one of those moments where I was like "fuck yeah, this is exactly how I pictured my life", then we went to the comedy after party at said crush's apartment which was sorta awkward cause I felt like we didn't really know them and my crush-ness again rendered me mute all night.

I love you guys a lot, but I'm really not ready to go home. I wish I could somehow have both - like swimming in the lake, running through the park, long car rides with you guys, Old Pickard at night but also the city and art and everything here. I wish you guys could know my friends here. They're amazing people. They're all incredibly talented and the amount of love in our group amazes me so much. Hannah's final project is an ode to our friends here - it's called "Beautiful Monsters" and it's just about our first year here in this really fucking beautiful French New Wave style. It sounds super cliched, but I want to show you all and just share with you the amazing people I've gotten to know this year.

So that's a very abbreviated low down of what's going on in my life - see you all soooon. Love you.