Hey guys.

So I'm in a really weird, bad mood right now so this blog might end up being just overly emotional and I might end up deleting it in the next hour but I really just needed to sort of type some things out. I've had a really weird day where I've just been super upset and its all stupid pmsy stuff but I just feel super shitty. The end of the semester's really busy and I don't totally know how my final's going to work out so I'm really stressed and I've just been really insecure recently. I keep rewriting my final and every time it sounds bad and trite and it makes me feel really untalented. I'm not very good at a lot of things and that bothers me a lot, but I always try to make it okay by the fact that I know I'm really good at writing and that makes everything sort of okay - like I traded in a lot of things for that so when I feel like I can't write I feel like I can't do anything and everything starts to feel like its collapsing. I also hold people's work in such esteem that I can't handle when I feel totally inadequate. Hannah and Spencer are so incredible and make such beautiful things that I start to feel like I don't know who I am when I can't make something. And when I do it never feels as good.

And with Spencer. I like him so, so much. So incredibly much and a lot of things that I'm really insecure about are starting to manifest themselves. Chase broke up with me because I was way too shy that I couldn't ever open up to him - or even, and this is pathetic, talk to him. I know this was a really long time ago and being a fourteen year old freshman is vastly different, but those feelings still scare me. When I'm enamored with someone I get really scared - scared I'm not good enough, not funny enough, not pretty enough and, especially, not interesting enough so all of those feelings have been crashing down on me recently. I feel like I can't find the right words ever and I'm just not a good enough person for this amazing person I'm with.

I've never gotten to this point in a relationship - where I had to really be myself to someone I cared about so much and hope that they loved me anyway. I feel like I'm starting to break down and I can't make myself be anything other than incredibly scared that I'm not enough. I'm not trying to make this blog a huge fish for sympathy or compliments, just an honest expression of the fact that I don't know what to do.

I know I complain about Max a lot. He's not a bad person, but it was a really bad relationship. I don't think I've ever really expressed how bad. Max said a lot of things that really messed me up. I made a really bad choice, for him and for myself, by dating him for so long. After we broke up, during last year, he said some of the worst things I've ever heard. Imagine someone who knew all the shitty things about you, the things that make you most insecure, and having them tell you all those things are true. I know break ups are hard and its so easy to be spiteful, but it was the worst thing. Last year I used to lock myself in my bathroom and cry because he was just texting me really mean things. Even when we were dating he always had a way of messing with my head - of making me feel incredibly useless and insecure. Stuff like that sticks with you - when someone who's supposed to care about you tells you you're crazy, that you don't care about anyone but yourself. Even tells you stupid shit like you're bad in bed. I don't know how to not lose someone. So, here I am, freaking out.