Hello everyone!
I don't think I've posted since spring break, so here's the newest update! The first day of break was my friends last night in the city so we decided to try and find a party (party's are hard to find because the school and city are so big and because mostly people drink at bars). We ended up going to this super nice apartment (like...bigger than my house...) and I drank far too much. I ended up hooking up with a recorded music major, who I wasn't really in to, but was nice to talk to (I awkwardly run in to him all the time though and the recorded music major is really small so they're all really good friends - and I have class with a lot of the other people in recorded music and they ask me about him - it's super awkward). Also, the night before this really goofy kid named Barton (he wears 3D glasses everyday) kissed my friend Hannah but she was drunk that she didn't stop him, even though she's gay. So at the party Barton's following Hannah around like a puppy dog and she finally tells him that, no offense, she likes ladies and he....tells her that it doesn't matter because they have a spark. It was so silly and sort of sad.
So after that night my friends flew home to LA and Laura went to Connecticut with Ryan so I basically had the campus to myself. It was crazy. It was nice to have time to just be completely alone and sort of veg out. I realized I sort of revert to this Liz Lemon state though when left to my own devices - I started eating a lot of order in food and watching too much television by myself. I also went to see the movie Jane Eyre with my friend Oren. Such a great movie. Oren's kind of an awkward being though. He's like 22 because he was in the Israeli army before college, but he seems almost younger than all of us. So while I was hanging out with Oren I noticed that he had the entire Star Wars trilogy and I'd been talking to my friend/random-make-out-partner Parker about how we should watch it. I borrowed it from Oren and texted Parker and he came over. Laura had come back from CT, but Ryan left me his keys (Laura's boyfriend came to stay with us so I got sexiled to Ryan's room). Ryan has a tv so we went and watched the movie in Ryan's room. He has been super sick, like in the hospital and stuff, so he was really medicated and being really silly. At first we were just like awkwardly friendly but we always end up falling into this pattern of cuddling and it just evolves into macking. He's essentially the perfect cuddler because he's gigantic. We have a ton of chemistry and, I know he's a total dick, but he's funny and sweet so I always end up wanting to kiss him. It was nice while it lasted, but, for now, I'm done with Parker's antics.
The next day my mom and my aunt came to the city for spring break. It was nice to see my mom, but it was really stressful. My mom stresses me out a lot. I love her, of course, but there's a really big difference between her at home and her in the city with me. The city's my turf and I understand how it works and how to be a city-dweller. I was talking to my aunt about this actually, but my mom and I are really different. My aunt thinks this is why we can have a close relationship, and I agree, but it's really hard because I'm so much like my dad that my mom (this is going to sound super emo and cliched teenager-y) doesn't understand how I work. I really don't want to sound spoiled or ungrateful. I'm really glad I have my family and I love them so much, but I need to be away from them. It was nice though - we went to a lot of really delicious restaurants and tourist places. We also went to the Broadway show Billy Elliot which was amazingggg!
Also over spring break I made my experimental film for my production class. I shot some of it with my aunt and at Ellis Island. I acted in it, which was an interesting experience for me. I didn't really like it so I won't be acting again any time soon. I also shot part of as a couple and initially I asked Parker because I've kissed him before so it wouldn't be awkward, but he was busy, so I shot it with my friend Jesse. It was really awkward, but the shots came out really well. You should all check out my film if you haven't already!
The next week was a post spring break low. Nothing really exciting happened except for a lot of work and dreariness. That Thursday I ended up hanging out with Jesse. We ate dinner and talked and then decided to smoke a whole bunch of weed. I don't know if it was because I'd been having a really stressful two weeks, but it was a really weird high. I got really freaked out and kept getting this awful feeling that I was losing my identity and that I was just this person I really hated. I really like smoking and the last time I had smoked I had a really amazing experience because I went to see this really good concert and just sorted out a lot of things (like in my mind, not literally, that would be super silly), but this time was awful, so I'm taking a break from weed for a little bit. After I came down from my scary high, Jesse and I were hanging out and he told me he had feelings for me. I sort of new, in the back of my mind, but it was really weird to hear him say it. Jesse's really intense so it sort of freaked me out. He told me he really liked me as a friend and he was confused about whether his feelings were more and that if we got together he would want us to be in a serious relationship. I told him I needed to think about it a lot before I could talk to him about it - because he's one of my best friends and I didn't want to change anything and I really hadn't thought about him in that way so I wanted to sort out my feelings for sure.
The next week I screened my experimental, which went over well. Frame and Sequence was kind of sad because I felt like Jack and I weren't talking. I really missed him as a friend but we were both so awkward that I didn't know how to get over it, but after our lecture on Wednesday he came up and hugged me for no reason. Sometimes all you need in life is a hug from a cute boy. It was really funny though because we had to pitch our documentary ideas and his was about a brewery and his pitch was essentially "You will be paid in beer." Of course it got the most votes. I had sort of an off week and accidentally slept through some of my classes this week. I've been sort of sick so I've been sleeping a ton.
Thursday I was hanging out by myself while Laura was at class and I got a random burst of inspiration and wrote my entire final narrative. It was so amazing. I'm so happy with my script. It's about a boy who tries to resurrect the spirit of his mother, but accidentally summons the wrong ghost. It's sorta funny and supernatural and sad. It needs to be shot in a rural setting though, so I'm going to go out to Hannah's grandparents in CT to look for locations (Hannah said they'd buy me food, so that'll be really fun). I'm also thinking about asking some people in recorded music to score it for me so I could enter it in to festivals...but that's a ways away. Either way, I'd been having a bad few weeks and it was so nice to be creatively satisfied and reinstated that feeling of why I am in film school. It's nice to be excited about film making. I also signed up to be a production assistant on a senior's thesis film called Occult that's about Nazis and the supernatural. It's the biggest film being produced at Tisch right now and it's going to be a blast. I'm also doing preproduction on this really interesting project about a Vaudevillian mime who meets a little girl with magical powers.
After I was done writing Hannah and I ordered in some delicious pizza and watch The L Word, which is basically the gay Sex and the City. It was such a funny night. After Hannah left Jesse came over and I decided I finally needed to talk to him. Our friendship had been so awkward since the last week. We hadn't really been talking. It took me forever to get the guts to say anything but finally I just spit out that I thought we needed to be just friends. It was so awful. He was really sad - not just because of me - that I think a lot of his anxiety just manifested itself at that moment. He started crying. It was really, really awful, but I'm hoping now things can just....go back to friendship. :\
After that I went to sleep and slept for like a million hours. Last night I ended up going out with my friend Sabrina. This boy in film has a huge crush on her and invited us out with him for his birthday. It was kind of odd because we don't know him super well but he's really nice and REALLY loaded. We went to this bar and he ordered all these drinks for us. I brought Ian with me and Ian and I decided that we need to make more rich friends. We drank a ton of delicious mixed drinks and beer and the most delicious shots I've ever had. We called it a night pretty early though. I ended up drunkenly ordering food to my dorm and watching Sex and the City (and accidentally facebook iming this boy I think is really cute...which was mildly embarrassing).
That's my past few weeks. Time has been going by soooo quickly. I'm really not looking forward to the school year ending. I really do miss you guys. I don't want you to think I don't, at all, and actually what's really gets me through is thinking about long summer nights of us eating snacks and talking. But, I just really don't want to come back. The summer is going to spent working intensely because I haven't gotten a job here and next year (sophomore year is the most intense) I won't have time, so I need to make as much money as possible. Also, when I'm not working I'm going to try to intern at IPTV. I know working and being busy is just becoming an adult, but there's something really sad about not having that feeling of an open free summer. I also really love it here. I'm scared because in high school I never really loved where I was (except with my friends) and I just thought I wasn't a happy person by disposition, but I love it here and I am so happy.
Love you and miss you! Sorry for the super long blog. Also - the title of this blog is from the song "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele and Childish Gambino which you should all check out because its SO GOOD. Also I'm on a really big James Blake kick, so check him out too. Anyway - bye bye!
