fucking a

This blog may be more for myself but I just needed to get everything out of my brain at this moment.

So i have my first class of the year today and it was Religious Studies: Religious Bodies and its all about how the body is part of religious - as a signal - like what we show on our bodies and a site - what we do to our bodies and how our physical experiences (like sex and worship, etc) are part of religion and also about what it means to be part of a mortal, quickly expiring bit of flesh in the grand scheme of everything.

I know this may sound silly because it was one class in which we didn't even really talk about anything but AGHHH it was so good. I started thinking about all the things that are part of me and I feel like I have just nice a grasp on who I am and what I want in life right now - I'm so happy to be who I am, in my own physical body that may or may not contain an entire universe according to the Buddha. I'm going camping with Spencer soon and I'm just so ready to be out in nature, walking and hiking and using my body and I started thinking about the books I love like Dharma Bums -which is all about your body in connection to your faith and it all sorta CAME TOGETHER.

I know this sounds very muddled because at the moment I am inside, on my computer typing this but I feel I've spent a lot of my life not knowing what I am - from middle school where I was like am I an emo asshole?? And in high school I was never really an art kid and never really a theater kid - always on the edge and last year I wasn't really an Iowan but not yet a New Yorker - and everything seems to come together now. I am me - the me who loves nature and physical beauty (not just in people but in everything) and hiking even though I'm lazy and bad at it and who loves spirituality and has so much interest in religion and so much room to explore what our existence means and who likes to have my brain stimulated and challenged. Who likes the people I like and doesn't have time for the people I don't like, but would do anything for those I do grant time for. Who loves television and truly believes it has the potential to be the greatest art form yet - and wants to prove that belief to the world. Who wants to explore every part of the world I can and document it all, hopefully holding the hand of someone I want to have sex with every night. Who has a great capacity to love. That's who I am.