Hey guys! I'm having a crazy ass week so I'm going to take a break from studying to write a blog!
So last night I went to see Bright Eyes at Radio City. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. The Bright Eyes album "I'm Wide Awake Its Morning" got me through so much in my life and so much of it is about living in the Village that its always been my idealized version of NY and a huge part of why I wanted to live in NY so badly - just to be an artist like Conor Oberst and find meaning and create awesome art. Radio City is such an awesome venue - its so iconic and everything is decorated as it was built, so its really glamourous. This is also Bright Eyes' last tour and, though I'm sure I'll see Conor in concert again, its really sad knowing this will be the last time I see him perform the music from Bright Eyes. The concert itself was so fucking fantastic. They played this intro of a man speaking that was all about where we are in the universe and what it means to find love and meaning in life and then Conor came out and played. They played a lot from their new album, but a ton of old songs too. It was the greatest feeling hearing these songs that were such a huge part of my life song by the real person, in real life, with hundreds of other people singing along and even though I'd heard the songs so many times they suddenly had a completely different meaning - like I understood all the lyrics and they were exactly how I felt. It was just....magical to have this guy like...showing us what was in his soul and we were all on the same page. Parts of it I just started crying because it was so beautiful and so perfect. I'd been having sort of a strange week, but it just made life seem so good, like everything in my life was enough if I could just listen to them play.
So here's an update on my life, besides the amazing-ness of Bright Eyes -
This week has been crazy. Its our midterm week so we have a ton of work. This semester has been way harder than the last one. One of my classes, Language of Film, is a really cool class but for some reason its insanely hard. The TA writers the most difficult quizzes and since everyone complained and was failing he decided to reformat them but the reformatting was actually harder, so today in class no one finished the quiz (it was 25 questions in 10 minutes that asked you to recall and analyze specific scenes from movies we had watched for each question and during it he has this really stressful habit of telling us what to do like "There's only five minutes left so ANSWER THE QUESTIONS NOW" and we were all like THAT IS SO UNHELPFUL - of course we are already trying to answer the questions!). I also have a large paper due for my gen ed and my paper is due for Writing the Essay - as well as my experimental film for Frame and Sequence which is due after Spring Break. Basically, crazy amounts of work. Everyone is just going crazy and delirious from lack of sleep. In our Frame and Sequence class none of us had slept and we were watching examples of experimental films. We were all sitting there, glassy eyed, with our heads in our hands, groaning things like "ahhh tooo tired to think about experimental filmssss."
Also, Jack and I talked. We were supposed to go to the Met together (for class) but he kept delaying and falling asleep, so finally we ended up just looking at art online and pretending we went on Sunday. He ended up falling asleep in my bed for a really long time while I did my homework. After that we went to get dinner and he was acting super weird and really out of it. He ended up telling me he felt really bad that he'd been such a dick to me and that he was just in this weird haze and super confused about life and that he thought it was really unfair to me that we keep hanging out romantically. He was really sweet though and told me he really liked me and when I was like "okay well if you figure out how you feel about me let me know" he was like "nooo its not you, I'm sorry I phrased it like that, I like you, but its like I don't know how I feel about relationships - I need to figure out myself before I get involved with anyone." I told him that I really did like him and I apologized for being super awkward and, this kinda killed me, said "you're as awkward as I am." Damn you awkward boys, making my heart hurt. We decided we still really wanna be friends. After he left we hugged in the dining hall and I went over to my friend Eric and ate a lot of ice cream and vented a lot. I was super worried about Frame and Sequence too because he's basically my only friend in the class, but he didn't show up for the first half cause he overslept and when he did, things went really well. It sucked a lot because it wasn't really the same, but I do really like him and, at least, I want to be his friend.
So that's been my week so far. I'm excited to be staying in the city over break because I feel I haven't been taking advantage of it enough. I live in this huge cultural city and I stay in the Village way too much so this break I'm going to explore a lot. I'm bummed that I won't get to see any of you guys and that almost all of my friends from here are going home, but my mom and my aunt are coming out. So happy spring breaks to you all! Love you and miss you!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
Yo yo yo guys. It's been a while since a blog so let's do this.
Classes have been going well. I just finished my first narrative for my production class (you should check it out - its on facebook under the album 15 Frame Narrative!) and I feel really good about it. I don't know a whole lot about cameras so its been sorta tough keeping up with a lot of people that do. My professor's this really cool young black lady, but she's still not as great as my favorite lady ever from last semester - Barbara Malmet - and my class is sorta quiet and not as close knit. On the first day I was sort of worried because I didn't know anyone that well, except for person. We were friends last semester, but not super close, and I really wanted to have a class with him because he's really cute and really nice.
So I had a big crush on Jack in class but I figured we were just in the friend zone, but two weeks ago he texts me out of nowhere and asks to hang out and I, of course, say YESSSSSS. He comes over and we're talking and watching movies and he starts kissing me and again I am like YESSSSSS. We ended up hanging out every day for about a week and kissing a bunch and talking and I was soo excited. Not to be melodramatic, but it was such a good time and I got really happy - happier than I'd been about a crush for a really long time. Like sometimes my stomach would get knotted up and I couldn't eat. He's really quiet but he seemed to sort of be letting his guard down. It was so much fun and we sat by each other in our big lecture classes and everything, but all of a sudden he just got sort of distant and didn't ask me to hang out and every time I would ask him he'd be busy - but I couldn't ever tell what he meant because he seemed super apologetic. We didn't hang out for awhile and this week he came over for about an hour but it was sort of weird because Laura was here and we didn't kiss or anything and I asked him to hang out Friday (because Laura was out of town and everything,,,) but he couldn't.
So this weekend Laura's visiting her sister so Friday we wanted to drink and smoke to our heart's content in my room. We bought some beer, got Indian food, went to a comedy show and than came back to my dorm and drank a lot and smoked a lot of weed. I was really bummed about Jack and I had been trying to get him to come over and Ryan made a joke (sort of, more of just a comment) about his blowing me off. We ended up drinking huge amount of alcohol and smoking a lot of weed (and apparently an RA came and asked Ryan, who was in the hallway outside of our room and doesn't smoke, if anyone was smoking...so we got super lucky that we didn't get caught). So the night started to calm down and everyone started to go home, except for my friend Ian and honestly...we ended up having sex. We barely actually did anything because we were both so drunk that it didn't really work. We ended up just talking for a really long time about relationships because Ian is still sort of in love with his ex girlfriend and I talked to him a bunch about Jack. It was really odd because I've hooked up with Ian a lot that it felt really natural that we'd end up sleeping together and it was really comfortable. I'm only uncomfortable with it because I wish it hadn't happened on a night where I was really upset. I'm glad though that making a silly decision was with someone I really trust.
Last night we didn't really have a lot to do but we wanted to dance and drink a lot. We chugged four lokos and went to Columbia, but the dance party we went to was realllly lame. And because we were hurrying to get there I drank way too quickly and got super sick. We ended up just taking a cab home because we were so miserable and in the cab I started to feel really sick and we ended up having to get out of the cab early because I ended up...throwing up...everywhere. So I have now officially puked all over the streets of New York. I feel like it was some sort of rite of passage to being a real New Yorker. Its the point where you really realize you are invisible in the giant city and you're really one of them. I remember being really upset that I puked near someone's car. My friends took me home and made sure I was in bed and at around 5 in the morning the FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. I was sooo out of it. I put on a tshirt over my dress and my boots and a coat. I literally stumbled down the stairs, looking sooo drunk. It was freezing so Ryan and I went to go get bagels which made it mildly better.
So that's been my weekend, ladies. I'm currently therapeutically listening to Florence and the Machines. Screaming along with her has got to be sooooo good for the soul. Life is alright in the city, for now. I'm hoping I'm being paranoid about the whole Jack thing...but that's life. I've got to give it time. I'm also excited for spring break - which is in a few weeks - my mom and my aunt are coming out so we're going to go out for lots of food and do touristy NY things. Miss you and love you guys!
Classes have been going well. I just finished my first narrative for my production class (you should check it out - its on facebook under the album 15 Frame Narrative!) and I feel really good about it. I don't know a whole lot about cameras so its been sorta tough keeping up with a lot of people that do. My professor's this really cool young black lady, but she's still not as great as my favorite lady ever from last semester - Barbara Malmet - and my class is sorta quiet and not as close knit. On the first day I was sort of worried because I didn't know anyone that well, except for person. We were friends last semester, but not super close, and I really wanted to have a class with him because he's really cute and really nice.
So I had a big crush on Jack in class but I figured we were just in the friend zone, but two weeks ago he texts me out of nowhere and asks to hang out and I, of course, say YESSSSSS. He comes over and we're talking and watching movies and he starts kissing me and again I am like YESSSSSS. We ended up hanging out every day for about a week and kissing a bunch and talking and I was soo excited. Not to be melodramatic, but it was such a good time and I got really happy - happier than I'd been about a crush for a really long time. Like sometimes my stomach would get knotted up and I couldn't eat. He's really quiet but he seemed to sort of be letting his guard down. It was so much fun and we sat by each other in our big lecture classes and everything, but all of a sudden he just got sort of distant and didn't ask me to hang out and every time I would ask him he'd be busy - but I couldn't ever tell what he meant because he seemed super apologetic. We didn't hang out for awhile and this week he came over for about an hour but it was sort of weird because Laura was here and we didn't kiss or anything and I asked him to hang out Friday (because Laura was out of town and everything,,,) but he couldn't.
So this weekend Laura's visiting her sister so Friday we wanted to drink and smoke to our heart's content in my room. We bought some beer, got Indian food, went to a comedy show and than came back to my dorm and drank a lot and smoked a lot of weed. I was really bummed about Jack and I had been trying to get him to come over and Ryan made a joke (sort of, more of just a comment) about his blowing me off. We ended up drinking huge amount of alcohol and smoking a lot of weed (and apparently an RA came and asked Ryan, who was in the hallway outside of our room and doesn't smoke, if anyone was smoking...so we got super lucky that we didn't get caught). So the night started to calm down and everyone started to go home, except for my friend Ian and honestly...we ended up having sex. We barely actually did anything because we were both so drunk that it didn't really work. We ended up just talking for a really long time about relationships because Ian is still sort of in love with his ex girlfriend and I talked to him a bunch about Jack. It was really odd because I've hooked up with Ian a lot that it felt really natural that we'd end up sleeping together and it was really comfortable. I'm only uncomfortable with it because I wish it hadn't happened on a night where I was really upset. I'm glad though that making a silly decision was with someone I really trust.
Last night we didn't really have a lot to do but we wanted to dance and drink a lot. We chugged four lokos and went to Columbia, but the dance party we went to was realllly lame. And because we were hurrying to get there I drank way too quickly and got super sick. We ended up just taking a cab home because we were so miserable and in the cab I started to feel really sick and we ended up having to get out of the cab early because I ended up...throwing up...everywhere. So I have now officially puked all over the streets of New York. I feel like it was some sort of rite of passage to being a real New Yorker. Its the point where you really realize you are invisible in the giant city and you're really one of them. I remember being really upset that I puked near someone's car. My friends took me home and made sure I was in bed and at around 5 in the morning the FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. I was sooo out of it. I put on a tshirt over my dress and my boots and a coat. I literally stumbled down the stairs, looking sooo drunk. It was freezing so Ryan and I went to go get bagels which made it mildly better.
So that's been my weekend, ladies. I'm currently therapeutically listening to Florence and the Machines. Screaming along with her has got to be sooooo good for the soul. Life is alright in the city, for now. I'm hoping I'm being paranoid about the whole Jack thing...but that's life. I've got to give it time. I'm also excited for spring break - which is in a few weeks - my mom and my aunt are coming out so we're going to go out for lots of food and do touristy NY things. Miss you and love you guys!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Eskimo Kisses
Hey guys! Quick blog, but just some things.
I cut stuff off with Casey cause I realized I really, really did not want a boyfriend especially if I wasn't completely sure. Now I just feel sort of uncomfortable about the whole thing, but whatever, life moves on. I'm just really not ready to stick to one person (unless my friend Ian decides he's secretly in love with me...but that's pretty unlikely).
I've been working on Tisch 48 Hour Film Festival which has been amazing. Its Hannah, Ian, Ryan, our friend Zach, and me. We wrote a three minutes movie about an eskimo living in the city and its so adorable. I can't wait for you guys to see it! We wrote all Friday night and ate pizza and it was so much fun (a taste at being a real writer). The next day we got up obscenely early and went down to Chinatown to film her buy some raw fish. It was disgusting and hilarious. After that we headed to Central Park, filmed in the snow for a long time, which was miserable and than came back, filmed exteriors and started editing. And by editing I mean Hannah, Ian and I got really high while Ryan edited and Zach drank four loko.
Its been really fun filming and made me really excited to make films but also incredibly intimidated. I didn't do very much for this one - I helped write a little, but other than that I don't know enough about cameras or editing software to be of any real help, so I feel sort of scared that I'm in over my head. Everyone I'm working with, especially Ian, is incredibly talented and right now I can't really compete with them. I just need to get more focused because I have a lot of catching up to do.
So anyway, I'm really hungry so I'm gonna go!
I cut stuff off with Casey cause I realized I really, really did not want a boyfriend especially if I wasn't completely sure. Now I just feel sort of uncomfortable about the whole thing, but whatever, life moves on. I'm just really not ready to stick to one person (unless my friend Ian decides he's secretly in love with me...but that's pretty unlikely).
I've been working on Tisch 48 Hour Film Festival which has been amazing. Its Hannah, Ian, Ryan, our friend Zach, and me. We wrote a three minutes movie about an eskimo living in the city and its so adorable. I can't wait for you guys to see it! We wrote all Friday night and ate pizza and it was so much fun (a taste at being a real writer). The next day we got up obscenely early and went down to Chinatown to film her buy some raw fish. It was disgusting and hilarious. After that we headed to Central Park, filmed in the snow for a long time, which was miserable and than came back, filmed exteriors and started editing. And by editing I mean Hannah, Ian and I got really high while Ryan edited and Zach drank four loko.
Its been really fun filming and made me really excited to make films but also incredibly intimidated. I didn't do very much for this one - I helped write a little, but other than that I don't know enough about cameras or editing software to be of any real help, so I feel sort of scared that I'm in over my head. Everyone I'm working with, especially Ian, is incredibly talented and right now I can't really compete with them. I just need to get more focused because I have a lot of catching up to do.
So anyway, I'm really hungry so I'm gonna go!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
the only living boy in new york
Hey guys! I thought I should post a blog catching everyone up on my life. I'm getting back in to the swing of things in New York and its so fantastic. I was getting worried over break that it was going to be scary to be back and I would miss everyone at home too much (and I do!) but its been sooo much fun to be back. I'm being productive creatively again and its so great to see all my friends from school.
I got back to school last Thursday. The flight was exhausting. My friends trickled back over the day and we went out to a barbecue place that night, which I thought was hilarious because I come back to NYC after a month where there's every type of cuisine that we don't have in Iowa and where do we go...barbecue. I spent my weekend back in New York eating lots of delicious foods, smoking a lot of weed, and catching up with my friends. On Friday it was snowing a bit so we went to the park and frolicked. After that we got hot chocolate and went to see Blue Valentine which is SO good so it was a really great day.
On Monday classes started. I had my production class which was cool - its called Frame and Sequence and its film through photography stills (like a movie made of just photographs) so we got our cameras and learned the basics. Our prof was gone because she just had a baby, but she'll be back so I don't know what to totally expect from the class yet. Tuesday I had my gen ed which seems really hard but interesting. It was cool though because I randomly sat behind a friend of mine in the lecture and its not even a film class. I had some more classes which were all mildly interesting but nothing too exciting. We have a lot more classes this semester with our entire semester (the total 200 some of us are divided in to 2 semesters) of film kids so I get to see my friends a lot more.
I spent some time with Ethan once I got back and we made out once when we were really really drunk and one time when we were sober. I really wasn't feeling it at all though - the spark just wasn't there for me and really all he talks about is smoking weed or drinking. I don't know what he wants from the situation so I've just been spending less time with him so I think its going to be cool. Hopefully we can just go back to being bros.
(Sorry this is in no logical fashion) Wednesday I had plenary (which is a big lecture by a different professor) for my Writing the Essay class. I was expecting it to be boring but it was actually awesome. The professor gave a lecture on Andy Warhol and his importance in art and it was so amazing. I love Warhol and it was awesome to have him basically explained to me. My later class was Language of Film which I really love. Its taught by a lady who used to work with the Coen Bros which is awesome but now she's back at NYU. We just watch movies and discuss why they're great. After LofF we walked back to our dorm but it was snowing really hard....
and the next morning we wake up to discover....
ITS A SNOW DAY!
It was so exciting because who expects a snow day in college?? Laura and I walked down to the Apple Store in Soho because they do a lot of free shows and you just have to go get wristbands the week before (and we're going to see Iron and Wine tomorrow!). There were no cars on the streets and the snow was everywhere. It was nice and sunny out so it was like walking in a winter wonderland. We got our wristbands and walked back to our dorm. After that we went to lunch and our friend Ryan decides that we're all going to go sledding and because we don't have sleds my friends steal a bunch of trays from the dining hall.
There's this really cute guy in film that I don't really know but I knew he had the teacher for frame and sequence that I had last semester so I imed him and asked him what she was like. We ended up talking for a really long time and he ended up coming sledding with us. So before we headed out to sled I bought some cheap snow boots (they're fantastic with leopard print) with him and Hannah. All the friends met up with our tray sleds in hand and trekked out to Central Park. Central Park was sooo beautiful in the winter and everyone was out frolicking about. We walked through a large part of the park and got to a giant hill for sledding. It was so incredibly fun. The trays worked as really great sleds and we were going really fast. It was scary as hell though because it was so crowded and people were walking around on the slopes so we kept crashing or almost crashing in to people. We tried to find another less crowded hill so we moved. We were making giant trains of everyone holding each others legs and sledding. Seriously, sooo much fun. We ended up making a giant train though and it started spinning around and there was a boulder in the middle of the slope covered in snow and I hit my ankle, twisting it the wrong way, and my friend landed on it. Its super swollen though but the battle wounds were worth it.
After the sledding we built a snow man and snow angels until we were freezing. We decided to head back to the Village and get some hot chocolate. We got delicious (but sadly expensive) hot chocolate and talked and it was so nice. It was so beautiful in the sunny day to be out in the snow. It was nice to be back in nature while still within the city and it was just a blast to play around like little kids. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life. It was also nice to get to know a new boy who is really funny and interesting. I had so much fun with him all day. Also apparently Ryan told his friends about my little...crush so now they're all on a mission to set it up. Heh. After that we went back to the dorm, ate dinner, and now I'm sitting, icing my very swollen ankle, and typing this out to you.
So that was my fantastic day! Keep me updated on your lives! I miss you guys and I love you!
I got back to school last Thursday. The flight was exhausting. My friends trickled back over the day and we went out to a barbecue place that night, which I thought was hilarious because I come back to NYC after a month where there's every type of cuisine that we don't have in Iowa and where do we go...barbecue. I spent my weekend back in New York eating lots of delicious foods, smoking a lot of weed, and catching up with my friends. On Friday it was snowing a bit so we went to the park and frolicked. After that we got hot chocolate and went to see Blue Valentine which is SO good so it was a really great day.
On Monday classes started. I had my production class which was cool - its called Frame and Sequence and its film through photography stills (like a movie made of just photographs) so we got our cameras and learned the basics. Our prof was gone because she just had a baby, but she'll be back so I don't know what to totally expect from the class yet. Tuesday I had my gen ed which seems really hard but interesting. It was cool though because I randomly sat behind a friend of mine in the lecture and its not even a film class. I had some more classes which were all mildly interesting but nothing too exciting. We have a lot more classes this semester with our entire semester (the total 200 some of us are divided in to 2 semesters) of film kids so I get to see my friends a lot more.
I spent some time with Ethan once I got back and we made out once when we were really really drunk and one time when we were sober. I really wasn't feeling it at all though - the spark just wasn't there for me and really all he talks about is smoking weed or drinking. I don't know what he wants from the situation so I've just been spending less time with him so I think its going to be cool. Hopefully we can just go back to being bros.
(Sorry this is in no logical fashion) Wednesday I had plenary (which is a big lecture by a different professor) for my Writing the Essay class. I was expecting it to be boring but it was actually awesome. The professor gave a lecture on Andy Warhol and his importance in art and it was so amazing. I love Warhol and it was awesome to have him basically explained to me. My later class was Language of Film which I really love. Its taught by a lady who used to work with the Coen Bros which is awesome but now she's back at NYU. We just watch movies and discuss why they're great. After LofF we walked back to our dorm but it was snowing really hard....
and the next morning we wake up to discover....
ITS A SNOW DAY!
It was so exciting because who expects a snow day in college?? Laura and I walked down to the Apple Store in Soho because they do a lot of free shows and you just have to go get wristbands the week before (and we're going to see Iron and Wine tomorrow!). There were no cars on the streets and the snow was everywhere. It was nice and sunny out so it was like walking in a winter wonderland. We got our wristbands and walked back to our dorm. After that we went to lunch and our friend Ryan decides that we're all going to go sledding and because we don't have sleds my friends steal a bunch of trays from the dining hall.
There's this really cute guy in film that I don't really know but I knew he had the teacher for frame and sequence that I had last semester so I imed him and asked him what she was like. We ended up talking for a really long time and he ended up coming sledding with us. So before we headed out to sled I bought some cheap snow boots (they're fantastic with leopard print) with him and Hannah. All the friends met up with our tray sleds in hand and trekked out to Central Park. Central Park was sooo beautiful in the winter and everyone was out frolicking about. We walked through a large part of the park and got to a giant hill for sledding. It was so incredibly fun. The trays worked as really great sleds and we were going really fast. It was scary as hell though because it was so crowded and people were walking around on the slopes so we kept crashing or almost crashing in to people. We tried to find another less crowded hill so we moved. We were making giant trains of everyone holding each others legs and sledding. Seriously, sooo much fun. We ended up making a giant train though and it started spinning around and there was a boulder in the middle of the slope covered in snow and I hit my ankle, twisting it the wrong way, and my friend landed on it. Its super swollen though but the battle wounds were worth it.
After the sledding we built a snow man and snow angels until we were freezing. We decided to head back to the Village and get some hot chocolate. We got delicious (but sadly expensive) hot chocolate and talked and it was so nice. It was so beautiful in the sunny day to be out in the snow. It was nice to be back in nature while still within the city and it was just a blast to play around like little kids. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life. It was also nice to get to know a new boy who is really funny and interesting. I had so much fun with him all day. Also apparently Ryan told his friends about my little...crush so now they're all on a mission to set it up. Heh. After that we went back to the dorm, ate dinner, and now I'm sitting, icing my very swollen ankle, and typing this out to you.
So that was my fantastic day! Keep me updated on your lives! I miss you guys and I love you!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Let's 2011
New Years Resolutions
1. To be more honest with myself about my emotions - what I want for myself and what I need
2. To be more honest with the people around me
3. To try and be honest and atone for any dumb stuff I've done
Over this break I have lost my panties, been told by an ex that he never wants to talk to me again, had heart to hearts, cried my eyes out, panicked over what I really want in life, been told some of the sweetest things ever, possibly lost a friend, had random sex, gone to work hung over, seen my best friends, drank champagne at midnight, kissed a gay boy, kissed one of my best friends, pretended I was a twin and it was my birthday at La Casa, learned to play Sorry, watched four seasons of Entourage, two seasons of Teen Mom and over 20 movies, and did a million other things.
I felt I really needed to write out some of the chaos that is going on in my life.
So first of all – I saw Max the day after he got back from Germany. It was fun…but awkward. We were being really nice to each other but there was this undertone of like...competition and bragginess. I don’t really know how to explain it but it was really uncomfortable. Like we didn’t know how to be each other’s friends without hurting each other or just acting like we were dating again. He told me about an experience he had in Amsterdam that really freaked me out and we talked about my love life, which was pretty much a disastrous topic. After we left he texted me that he didn’t want to see me or talk to me for a long time and that I made him feel like shit about our relationship and that either I had changed a lot or he had and he just didn’t know it. We haven't talked since and I found that he deleted me on facebook. I sent him a message that basically said I didn't want to intrude in his life or make him talk to me if he didn't want to, but I wanted him to know I was sorry.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Max. Honestly, Max is a wonderful person, but I wish I hadn’t gotten into any of this. I love him, as one of my best friends, but I was never in love with him and I think he’s figured that out now, at least subconsciously. I really wish I hadn’t dragged this out and ended up hurting him such an immense amount and hurting myself by letting myself spend so much time in a relationship that wasn’t right for me. Now I’ve lost one of my best friends and a huge amount of time in my life.
It’s been really odd being back home. I’ve started to settle back into my old life, which was comforting and fun. I’ve missed you guys so much. I was watching the movie Wonder Boys a few days ago. Its set in a college and the main character is in an English professor. I know that I am happy at NYU, but there are times that deep within myself I really long for the traditional college experience. Sometimes, more than anything, I want the books and the old buildings and the tree lined paths. I want to be buried in books and learn just to learn. I want to be collegiate. I hope there is a time in my life that will be like that. I would love to teach film theory at some point as a professor and write screenplays and hopefully that will happen in some small college town. I’ve chosen what I’m doing now because I love film but its really hard to look forward without any regrets.
I had some…interesting experiences with boys over break. Since everybody knows my business anyway, I won’t go into too much detail. One experience is particularly tender in my mind right now though. I can’t say I was expecting anything from a fling over winter break, and I don’t really feel like posting every detail on a blog, but it was an odd experience. It was odd to be so close to someone for such a very brief amount of time. I mean, I didn’t expect anything other than basically casual sex. It just hurt that it was more than just that.
I’ve been feeling like kind of a jerk recently. Its been really hard to divide myself between life here and life in NY and I feel like being caught between the two hasn’t made me the nicest person. I know there isn’t really an excuse, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m still very much trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I want. So I’m trying to start the new year on a new page, so I’m sorry if I’ve done anything that’s stupid or mean. I don’t’ want to have barriers or secrets from any of you anymore. I guess it’s a bit of a New Years resolution, but I want to be more upfront and honest about what I want and, in addition, atone for the stupid things I’ve done.
So, Averee, I’m sorry that this is public and perhaps you will never read this, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry for whatever made you upset. I really didn’t know the party at your house was an issue. I’m not trying to make myself a good guy or whatever, because I’m definitely not, but, I promise this, I really thought you were fine with the situation. I didn’t want to offend you or ruin your plans at all and I’m really sorry if I was part of that.
There’s probably a lot of other things to talk about but that’s all I have to say for now. Happy New Years!
1. To be more honest with myself about my emotions - what I want for myself and what I need
2. To be more honest with the people around me
3. To try and be honest and atone for any dumb stuff I've done
Over this break I have lost my panties, been told by an ex that he never wants to talk to me again, had heart to hearts, cried my eyes out, panicked over what I really want in life, been told some of the sweetest things ever, possibly lost a friend, had random sex, gone to work hung over, seen my best friends, drank champagne at midnight, kissed a gay boy, kissed one of my best friends, pretended I was a twin and it was my birthday at La Casa, learned to play Sorry, watched four seasons of Entourage, two seasons of Teen Mom and over 20 movies, and did a million other things.
I felt I really needed to write out some of the chaos that is going on in my life.
So first of all – I saw Max the day after he got back from Germany. It was fun…but awkward. We were being really nice to each other but there was this undertone of like...competition and bragginess. I don’t really know how to explain it but it was really uncomfortable. Like we didn’t know how to be each other’s friends without hurting each other or just acting like we were dating again. He told me about an experience he had in Amsterdam that really freaked me out and we talked about my love life, which was pretty much a disastrous topic. After we left he texted me that he didn’t want to see me or talk to me for a long time and that I made him feel like shit about our relationship and that either I had changed a lot or he had and he just didn’t know it. We haven't talked since and I found that he deleted me on facebook. I sent him a message that basically said I didn't want to intrude in his life or make him talk to me if he didn't want to, but I wanted him to know I was sorry.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Max. Honestly, Max is a wonderful person, but I wish I hadn’t gotten into any of this. I love him, as one of my best friends, but I was never in love with him and I think he’s figured that out now, at least subconsciously. I really wish I hadn’t dragged this out and ended up hurting him such an immense amount and hurting myself by letting myself spend so much time in a relationship that wasn’t right for me. Now I’ve lost one of my best friends and a huge amount of time in my life.
It’s been really odd being back home. I’ve started to settle back into my old life, which was comforting and fun. I’ve missed you guys so much. I was watching the movie Wonder Boys a few days ago. Its set in a college and the main character is in an English professor. I know that I am happy at NYU, but there are times that deep within myself I really long for the traditional college experience. Sometimes, more than anything, I want the books and the old buildings and the tree lined paths. I want to be buried in books and learn just to learn. I want to be collegiate. I hope there is a time in my life that will be like that. I would love to teach film theory at some point as a professor and write screenplays and hopefully that will happen in some small college town. I’ve chosen what I’m doing now because I love film but its really hard to look forward without any regrets.
I had some…interesting experiences with boys over break. Since everybody knows my business anyway, I won’t go into too much detail. One experience is particularly tender in my mind right now though. I can’t say I was expecting anything from a fling over winter break, and I don’t really feel like posting every detail on a blog, but it was an odd experience. It was odd to be so close to someone for such a very brief amount of time. I mean, I didn’t expect anything other than basically casual sex. It just hurt that it was more than just that.
I’ve been feeling like kind of a jerk recently. Its been really hard to divide myself between life here and life in NY and I feel like being caught between the two hasn’t made me the nicest person. I know there isn’t really an excuse, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m still very much trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I want. So I’m trying to start the new year on a new page, so I’m sorry if I’ve done anything that’s stupid or mean. I don’t’ want to have barriers or secrets from any of you anymore. I guess it’s a bit of a New Years resolution, but I want to be more upfront and honest about what I want and, in addition, atone for the stupid things I’ve done.
So, Averee, I’m sorry that this is public and perhaps you will never read this, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry for whatever made you upset. I really didn’t know the party at your house was an issue. I’m not trying to make myself a good guy or whatever, because I’m definitely not, but, I promise this, I really thought you were fine with the situation. I didn’t want to offend you or ruin your plans at all and I’m really sorry if I was part of that.
There’s probably a lot of other things to talk about but that’s all I have to say for now. Happy New Years!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Study Break, yo
Hey so I should be studying for philosophy, but I'm feeling pretty chill, so I'm taking a break.
We don't really have finals because we're in performing arts school so we've just been having final projects. I finished my five page script and its alright. I probably will end up rewriting it for myself, but for now its good. I directed a scene which was quite nerve wracking - as well as acting in a SUPER awkward scene where my director and professor kept telling me I was just trying to get the other actor into the bedroom and fuck his brains out. They kept being like "do what you do to get guys in bed" and all I could think of was like...I'm awkward at that! Plus the guy used to have a crush on me that I was acting with and our professor made us hold hands and hug for a long time so we would feel more comfortable. It did not work. She also kept telling me how handsome he was and how much he would want me to be all over him. It was so hilarious and awful. I just finished my last paper for Writing the Essay and it blows, but at least its done. I was supposed to send it in at noon today but I overslept (long story) but my professors awesome so it'll be fine. On the last day of class we just watched parts of Wickerman and laughed a lot. He's great and I'll miss him.
We had our last day of Sound Image (SOOO SADDDD) and we played all our personal projects. This section is about to get pretty braggy, so you're warned. Barbara started crying during mine and had to go out in the hall and compose herself. She told me it was really really good. They were all blown away that my dad was such a good actor and thought that I had hired someone to play the part. After class we went to lunch with Barbara and she gave me the scripts to Black Swan and 127 Hours because I'm a writer. It was so sweet. She kept telling me how much she liked my project and after class she emailed me that my project was her favorite and that it was the only one that made her feel something. When she hugged me goodbye she said to keep writing. It was so wonderful.
After that last night we all worked on homework and watched Pineapple Express. We went to midnight breakfast (title explains it all) and Jesse and Ian and I got super high which was DELIGHTFUL when we were surrounded by rooms of free breakfast foods.
The only bad thing was my friend Joanna...is really...hard to deal with. She's really intense and very possessive. She had asked to hang out and I've really been needing a break from her because she's so intense. She's the sort of person that when she comes to a party she wants to hang out with JUST me and she gets mad when I don't want to hang out with just her. She also...calls me if I don't answer her texts or facebook ims like "did you get my text" I really do like her, but I just don't deal well with that. So at midnight breakfast I had told her I was studying in my room and she ran into me and like....grabbed my arm and got really mad at me for not telling her I was going. She's also from a very wealthy very sheltered county in New York. She means well and isn't a mean person but makes a lot of comments that aren't really...politically correct. Like she was really offended when a guy asked her if she was gay and she was telling Hannah about it (who..is gay...)
So after midnight breakfast we came back, finished Pineapple Express, and than Ian and I listened to a ton of Eminem and just goofed around and rapped a bunch. We ended up watching all these really awful b movies on netflix instant watch (Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned, Zombie Strippers, and my personal favorite, Dagmar's Hot Pants Company).
So that's been my life thus far! So see you guys REALLY SOON!
We don't really have finals because we're in performing arts school so we've just been having final projects. I finished my five page script and its alright. I probably will end up rewriting it for myself, but for now its good. I directed a scene which was quite nerve wracking - as well as acting in a SUPER awkward scene where my director and professor kept telling me I was just trying to get the other actor into the bedroom and fuck his brains out. They kept being like "do what you do to get guys in bed" and all I could think of was like...I'm awkward at that! Plus the guy used to have a crush on me that I was acting with and our professor made us hold hands and hug for a long time so we would feel more comfortable. It did not work. She also kept telling me how handsome he was and how much he would want me to be all over him. It was so hilarious and awful. I just finished my last paper for Writing the Essay and it blows, but at least its done. I was supposed to send it in at noon today but I overslept (long story) but my professors awesome so it'll be fine. On the last day of class we just watched parts of Wickerman and laughed a lot. He's great and I'll miss him.
We had our last day of Sound Image (SOOO SADDDD) and we played all our personal projects. This section is about to get pretty braggy, so you're warned. Barbara started crying during mine and had to go out in the hall and compose herself. She told me it was really really good. They were all blown away that my dad was such a good actor and thought that I had hired someone to play the part. After class we went to lunch with Barbara and she gave me the scripts to Black Swan and 127 Hours because I'm a writer. It was so sweet. She kept telling me how much she liked my project and after class she emailed me that my project was her favorite and that it was the only one that made her feel something. When she hugged me goodbye she said to keep writing. It was so wonderful.
After that last night we all worked on homework and watched Pineapple Express. We went to midnight breakfast (title explains it all) and Jesse and Ian and I got super high which was DELIGHTFUL when we were surrounded by rooms of free breakfast foods.
The only bad thing was my friend Joanna...is really...hard to deal with. She's really intense and very possessive. She had asked to hang out and I've really been needing a break from her because she's so intense. She's the sort of person that when she comes to a party she wants to hang out with JUST me and she gets mad when I don't want to hang out with just her. She also...calls me if I don't answer her texts or facebook ims like "did you get my text" I really do like her, but I just don't deal well with that. So at midnight breakfast I had told her I was studying in my room and she ran into me and like....grabbed my arm and got really mad at me for not telling her I was going. She's also from a very wealthy very sheltered county in New York. She means well and isn't a mean person but makes a lot of comments that aren't really...politically correct. Like she was really offended when a guy asked her if she was gay and she was telling Hannah about it (who..is gay...)
So after midnight breakfast we came back, finished Pineapple Express, and than Ian and I listened to a ton of Eminem and just goofed around and rapped a bunch. We ended up watching all these really awful b movies on netflix instant watch (Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned, Zombie Strippers, and my personal favorite, Dagmar's Hot Pants Company).
So that's been my life thus far! So see you guys REALLY SOON!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Listy lists
Things I will miss
1. Eric Perini hugs
2. Hannah "Expensive Bitch" Hafey
3. Laura waking me up early
4. Alex acting like a cat when you scratch his head
5. my silent and never seen suitemate....
6. bustle of the streets
7. walking to class and listening to music and thinking about stuff
8. quesadillas whenever I want them
9. Barbara Malmet (the sound goddess)
10. hearing updates on people's scripts in Storytelling Strategies (such as one about a chair made of butts and a mad scientist on cocaine)
11. the lovely Tisch building - with all its fancy equipment and quiet, artsy hallways and posters of movies made by alumni
12. Jesse being an adorable puppy dog and making hilarious comments when high like "i think there's something very important about putting your penis in a vagina"
13. Ian rapping
Things I'm looking forward to at home
1. going to movies without having shell out twenty bucks
2. free popcorn from my friends at the theater
3. MY DOGS!
4. Stripe, my cat
5. NATURE
6. sledding!
7. CHRISTMAS AT HOME :D
8. driving places
9. singing along to music in the car
10. a spacious bed at home
11. you guys, of course
12. secret santa
13. sleeping in
14. sitting on my couch
15. watching tv on a REAL television
1. Eric Perini hugs
2. Hannah "Expensive Bitch" Hafey
3. Laura waking me up early
4. Alex acting like a cat when you scratch his head
5. my silent and never seen suitemate....
6. bustle of the streets
7. walking to class and listening to music and thinking about stuff
8. quesadillas whenever I want them
9. Barbara Malmet (the sound goddess)
10. hearing updates on people's scripts in Storytelling Strategies (such as one about a chair made of butts and a mad scientist on cocaine)
11. the lovely Tisch building - with all its fancy equipment and quiet, artsy hallways and posters of movies made by alumni
12. Jesse being an adorable puppy dog and making hilarious comments when high like "i think there's something very important about putting your penis in a vagina"
13. Ian rapping
Things I'm looking forward to at home
1. going to movies without having shell out twenty bucks
2. free popcorn from my friends at the theater
3. MY DOGS!
4. Stripe, my cat
5. NATURE
6. sledding!
7. CHRISTMAS AT HOME :D
8. driving places
9. singing along to music in the car
10. a spacious bed at home
11. you guys, of course
12. secret santa
13. sleeping in
14. sitting on my couch
15. watching tv on a REAL television
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