Let's 2011

New Years Resolutions

1. To be more honest with myself about my emotions - what I want for myself and what I need
2. To be more honest with the people around me
3. To try and be honest and atone for any dumb stuff I've done

Over this break I have lost my panties, been told by an ex that he never wants to talk to me again, had heart to hearts, cried my eyes out, panicked over what I really want in life, been told some of the sweetest things ever, possibly lost a friend, had random sex, gone to work hung over, seen my best friends, drank champagne at midnight, kissed a gay boy, kissed one of my best friends, pretended I was a twin and it was my birthday at La Casa, learned to play Sorry, watched four seasons of Entourage, two seasons of Teen Mom and over 20 movies, and did a million other things.

I felt I really needed to write out some of the chaos that is going on in my life.

So first of all – I saw Max the day after he got back from Germany. It was fun…but awkward. We were being really nice to each other but there was this undertone of like...competition and bragginess. I don’t really know how to explain it but it was really uncomfortable. Like we didn’t know how to be each other’s friends without hurting each other or just acting like we were dating again. He told me about an experience he had in Amsterdam that really freaked me out and we talked about my love life, which was pretty much a disastrous topic. After we left he texted me that he didn’t want to see me or talk to me for a long time and that I made him feel like shit about our relationship and that either I had changed a lot or he had and he just didn’t know it. We haven't talked since and I found that he deleted me on facebook. I sent him a message that basically said I didn't want to intrude in his life or make him talk to me if he didn't want to, but I wanted him to know I was sorry.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Max. Honestly, Max is a wonderful person, but I wish I hadn’t gotten into any of this. I love him, as one of my best friends, but I was never in love with him and I think he’s figured that out now, at least subconsciously. I really wish I hadn’t dragged this out and ended up hurting him such an immense amount and hurting myself by letting myself spend so much time in a relationship that wasn’t right for me. Now I’ve lost one of my best friends and a huge amount of time in my life.

It’s been really odd being back home. I’ve started to settle back into my old life, which was comforting and fun. I’ve missed you guys so much. I was watching the movie Wonder Boys a few days ago. Its set in a college and the main character is in an English professor. I know that I am happy at NYU, but there are times that deep within myself I really long for the traditional college experience. Sometimes, more than anything, I want the books and the old buildings and the tree lined paths. I want to be buried in books and learn just to learn. I want to be collegiate. I hope there is a time in my life that will be like that. I would love to teach film theory at some point as a professor and write screenplays and hopefully that will happen in some small college town. I’ve chosen what I’m doing now because I love film but its really hard to look forward without any regrets.

I had some…interesting experiences with boys over break. Since everybody knows my business anyway, I won’t go into too much detail. One experience is particularly tender in my mind right now though. I can’t say I was expecting anything from a fling over winter break, and I don’t really feel like posting every detail on a blog, but it was an odd experience. It was odd to be so close to someone for such a very brief amount of time. I mean, I didn’t expect anything other than basically casual sex. It just hurt that it was more than just that.

I’ve been feeling like kind of a jerk recently. Its been really hard to divide myself between life here and life in NY and I feel like being caught between the two hasn’t made me the nicest person. I know there isn’t really an excuse, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m still very much trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I want. So I’m trying to start the new year on a new page, so I’m sorry if I’ve done anything that’s stupid or mean. I don’t’ want to have barriers or secrets from any of you anymore. I guess it’s a bit of a New Years resolution, but I want to be more upfront and honest about what I want and, in addition, atone for the stupid things I’ve done.

So, Averee, I’m sorry that this is public and perhaps you will never read this, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry for whatever made you upset. I really didn’t know the party at your house was an issue. I’m not trying to make myself a good guy or whatever, because I’m definitely not, but, I promise this, I really thought you were fine with the situation. I didn’t want to offend you or ruin your plans at all and I’m really sorry if I was part of that.

There’s probably a lot of other things to talk about but that’s all I have to say for now. Happy New Years!