Hey.
I was just thinking about what I really really love (after reading Tacy's blog).
I was kind of bummed out tonight (for a totally silly reason) and I've been working on a short story and I just started working on it and it made me so happy. Like everything that's bad in my life goes away completely and I become someone else - someone who's world I can create - I can make a character that is me but all the good parts of me or the bad parts of me, but I can control everything and I can make everything beautiful. You know that feeling when you're watching a movie and you are completely gone from yourself - you've poured yourself and all the parts of you that hurt in to another story and nothing in your life matters? Maybe you don't. Maybe you know the feeling when you're dreaming and its sucha good dream and it's right before you realize its a dream and you can just enjoy the amazing feeling of being totally happy in a fake world.
And this made me so excited that I had to talk about it - writing takes me away no matter what. I know I have an amazing life and I'm so so grateful of everything I have - I couldn't ask for anything more, but there are times when I've had some issues with depression and anxiety and writing lets me escape myself. It makes me so happy that no matter what I have something that will always make me happy.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
I Can't Help Feeling We Could've Had It All
Hello everyone!
I don't think I've posted since spring break, so here's the newest update! The first day of break was my friends last night in the city so we decided to try and find a party (party's are hard to find because the school and city are so big and because mostly people drink at bars). We ended up going to this super nice apartment (like...bigger than my house...) and I drank far too much. I ended up hooking up with a recorded music major, who I wasn't really in to, but was nice to talk to (I awkwardly run in to him all the time though and the recorded music major is really small so they're all really good friends - and I have class with a lot of the other people in recorded music and they ask me about him - it's super awkward). Also, the night before this really goofy kid named Barton (he wears 3D glasses everyday) kissed my friend Hannah but she was drunk that she didn't stop him, even though she's gay. So at the party Barton's following Hannah around like a puppy dog and she finally tells him that, no offense, she likes ladies and he....tells her that it doesn't matter because they have a spark. It was so silly and sort of sad.
So after that night my friends flew home to LA and Laura went to Connecticut with Ryan so I basically had the campus to myself. It was crazy. It was nice to have time to just be completely alone and sort of veg out. I realized I sort of revert to this Liz Lemon state though when left to my own devices - I started eating a lot of order in food and watching too much television by myself. I also went to see the movie Jane Eyre with my friend Oren. Such a great movie. Oren's kind of an awkward being though. He's like 22 because he was in the Israeli army before college, but he seems almost younger than all of us. So while I was hanging out with Oren I noticed that he had the entire Star Wars trilogy and I'd been talking to my friend/random-make-out-partner Parker about how we should watch it. I borrowed it from Oren and texted Parker and he came over. Laura had come back from CT, but Ryan left me his keys (Laura's boyfriend came to stay with us so I got sexiled to Ryan's room). Ryan has a tv so we went and watched the movie in Ryan's room. He has been super sick, like in the hospital and stuff, so he was really medicated and being really silly. At first we were just like awkwardly friendly but we always end up falling into this pattern of cuddling and it just evolves into macking. He's essentially the perfect cuddler because he's gigantic. We have a ton of chemistry and, I know he's a total dick, but he's funny and sweet so I always end up wanting to kiss him. It was nice while it lasted, but, for now, I'm done with Parker's antics.
The next day my mom and my aunt came to the city for spring break. It was nice to see my mom, but it was really stressful. My mom stresses me out a lot. I love her, of course, but there's a really big difference between her at home and her in the city with me. The city's my turf and I understand how it works and how to be a city-dweller. I was talking to my aunt about this actually, but my mom and I are really different. My aunt thinks this is why we can have a close relationship, and I agree, but it's really hard because I'm so much like my dad that my mom (this is going to sound super emo and cliched teenager-y) doesn't understand how I work. I really don't want to sound spoiled or ungrateful. I'm really glad I have my family and I love them so much, but I need to be away from them. It was nice though - we went to a lot of really delicious restaurants and tourist places. We also went to the Broadway show Billy Elliot which was amazingggg!
Also over spring break I made my experimental film for my production class. I shot some of it with my aunt and at Ellis Island. I acted in it, which was an interesting experience for me. I didn't really like it so I won't be acting again any time soon. I also shot part of as a couple and initially I asked Parker because I've kissed him before so it wouldn't be awkward, but he was busy, so I shot it with my friend Jesse. It was really awkward, but the shots came out really well. You should all check out my film if you haven't already!
The next week was a post spring break low. Nothing really exciting happened except for a lot of work and dreariness. That Thursday I ended up hanging out with Jesse. We ate dinner and talked and then decided to smoke a whole bunch of weed. I don't know if it was because I'd been having a really stressful two weeks, but it was a really weird high. I got really freaked out and kept getting this awful feeling that I was losing my identity and that I was just this person I really hated. I really like smoking and the last time I had smoked I had a really amazing experience because I went to see this really good concert and just sorted out a lot of things (like in my mind, not literally, that would be super silly), but this time was awful, so I'm taking a break from weed for a little bit. After I came down from my scary high, Jesse and I were hanging out and he told me he had feelings for me. I sort of new, in the back of my mind, but it was really weird to hear him say it. Jesse's really intense so it sort of freaked me out. He told me he really liked me as a friend and he was confused about whether his feelings were more and that if we got together he would want us to be in a serious relationship. I told him I needed to think about it a lot before I could talk to him about it - because he's one of my best friends and I didn't want to change anything and I really hadn't thought about him in that way so I wanted to sort out my feelings for sure.
The next week I screened my experimental, which went over well. Frame and Sequence was kind of sad because I felt like Jack and I weren't talking. I really missed him as a friend but we were both so awkward that I didn't know how to get over it, but after our lecture on Wednesday he came up and hugged me for no reason. Sometimes all you need in life is a hug from a cute boy. It was really funny though because we had to pitch our documentary ideas and his was about a brewery and his pitch was essentially "You will be paid in beer." Of course it got the most votes. I had sort of an off week and accidentally slept through some of my classes this week. I've been sort of sick so I've been sleeping a ton.
Thursday I was hanging out by myself while Laura was at class and I got a random burst of inspiration and wrote my entire final narrative. It was so amazing. I'm so happy with my script. It's about a boy who tries to resurrect the spirit of his mother, but accidentally summons the wrong ghost. It's sorta funny and supernatural and sad. It needs to be shot in a rural setting though, so I'm going to go out to Hannah's grandparents in CT to look for locations (Hannah said they'd buy me food, so that'll be really fun). I'm also thinking about asking some people in recorded music to score it for me so I could enter it in to festivals...but that's a ways away. Either way, I'd been having a bad few weeks and it was so nice to be creatively satisfied and reinstated that feeling of why I am in film school. It's nice to be excited about film making. I also signed up to be a production assistant on a senior's thesis film called Occult that's about Nazis and the supernatural. It's the biggest film being produced at Tisch right now and it's going to be a blast. I'm also doing preproduction on this really interesting project about a Vaudevillian mime who meets a little girl with magical powers.
After I was done writing Hannah and I ordered in some delicious pizza and watch The L Word, which is basically the gay Sex and the City. It was such a funny night. After Hannah left Jesse came over and I decided I finally needed to talk to him. Our friendship had been so awkward since the last week. We hadn't really been talking. It took me forever to get the guts to say anything but finally I just spit out that I thought we needed to be just friends. It was so awful. He was really sad - not just because of me - that I think a lot of his anxiety just manifested itself at that moment. He started crying. It was really, really awful, but I'm hoping now things can just....go back to friendship. :\
After that I went to sleep and slept for like a million hours. Last night I ended up going out with my friend Sabrina. This boy in film has a huge crush on her and invited us out with him for his birthday. It was kind of odd because we don't know him super well but he's really nice and REALLY loaded. We went to this bar and he ordered all these drinks for us. I brought Ian with me and Ian and I decided that we need to make more rich friends. We drank a ton of delicious mixed drinks and beer and the most delicious shots I've ever had. We called it a night pretty early though. I ended up drunkenly ordering food to my dorm and watching Sex and the City (and accidentally facebook iming this boy I think is really cute...which was mildly embarrassing).
That's my past few weeks. Time has been going by soooo quickly. I'm really not looking forward to the school year ending. I really do miss you guys. I don't want you to think I don't, at all, and actually what's really gets me through is thinking about long summer nights of us eating snacks and talking. But, I just really don't want to come back. The summer is going to spent working intensely because I haven't gotten a job here and next year (sophomore year is the most intense) I won't have time, so I need to make as much money as possible. Also, when I'm not working I'm going to try to intern at IPTV. I know working and being busy is just becoming an adult, but there's something really sad about not having that feeling of an open free summer. I also really love it here. I'm scared because in high school I never really loved where I was (except with my friends) and I just thought I wasn't a happy person by disposition, but I love it here and I am so happy.
Love you and miss you! Sorry for the super long blog. Also - the title of this blog is from the song "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele and Childish Gambino which you should all check out because its SO GOOD. Also I'm on a really big James Blake kick, so check him out too. Anyway - bye bye!
I don't think I've posted since spring break, so here's the newest update! The first day of break was my friends last night in the city so we decided to try and find a party (party's are hard to find because the school and city are so big and because mostly people drink at bars). We ended up going to this super nice apartment (like...bigger than my house...) and I drank far too much. I ended up hooking up with a recorded music major, who I wasn't really in to, but was nice to talk to (I awkwardly run in to him all the time though and the recorded music major is really small so they're all really good friends - and I have class with a lot of the other people in recorded music and they ask me about him - it's super awkward). Also, the night before this really goofy kid named Barton (he wears 3D glasses everyday) kissed my friend Hannah but she was drunk that she didn't stop him, even though she's gay. So at the party Barton's following Hannah around like a puppy dog and she finally tells him that, no offense, she likes ladies and he....tells her that it doesn't matter because they have a spark. It was so silly and sort of sad.
So after that night my friends flew home to LA and Laura went to Connecticut with Ryan so I basically had the campus to myself. It was crazy. It was nice to have time to just be completely alone and sort of veg out. I realized I sort of revert to this Liz Lemon state though when left to my own devices - I started eating a lot of order in food and watching too much television by myself. I also went to see the movie Jane Eyre with my friend Oren. Such a great movie. Oren's kind of an awkward being though. He's like 22 because he was in the Israeli army before college, but he seems almost younger than all of us. So while I was hanging out with Oren I noticed that he had the entire Star Wars trilogy and I'd been talking to my friend/random-make-out-partner Parker about how we should watch it. I borrowed it from Oren and texted Parker and he came over. Laura had come back from CT, but Ryan left me his keys (Laura's boyfriend came to stay with us so I got sexiled to Ryan's room). Ryan has a tv so we went and watched the movie in Ryan's room. He has been super sick, like in the hospital and stuff, so he was really medicated and being really silly. At first we were just like awkwardly friendly but we always end up falling into this pattern of cuddling and it just evolves into macking. He's essentially the perfect cuddler because he's gigantic. We have a ton of chemistry and, I know he's a total dick, but he's funny and sweet so I always end up wanting to kiss him. It was nice while it lasted, but, for now, I'm done with Parker's antics.
The next day my mom and my aunt came to the city for spring break. It was nice to see my mom, but it was really stressful. My mom stresses me out a lot. I love her, of course, but there's a really big difference between her at home and her in the city with me. The city's my turf and I understand how it works and how to be a city-dweller. I was talking to my aunt about this actually, but my mom and I are really different. My aunt thinks this is why we can have a close relationship, and I agree, but it's really hard because I'm so much like my dad that my mom (this is going to sound super emo and cliched teenager-y) doesn't understand how I work. I really don't want to sound spoiled or ungrateful. I'm really glad I have my family and I love them so much, but I need to be away from them. It was nice though - we went to a lot of really delicious restaurants and tourist places. We also went to the Broadway show Billy Elliot which was amazingggg!
Also over spring break I made my experimental film for my production class. I shot some of it with my aunt and at Ellis Island. I acted in it, which was an interesting experience for me. I didn't really like it so I won't be acting again any time soon. I also shot part of as a couple and initially I asked Parker because I've kissed him before so it wouldn't be awkward, but he was busy, so I shot it with my friend Jesse. It was really awkward, but the shots came out really well. You should all check out my film if you haven't already!
The next week was a post spring break low. Nothing really exciting happened except for a lot of work and dreariness. That Thursday I ended up hanging out with Jesse. We ate dinner and talked and then decided to smoke a whole bunch of weed. I don't know if it was because I'd been having a really stressful two weeks, but it was a really weird high. I got really freaked out and kept getting this awful feeling that I was losing my identity and that I was just this person I really hated. I really like smoking and the last time I had smoked I had a really amazing experience because I went to see this really good concert and just sorted out a lot of things (like in my mind, not literally, that would be super silly), but this time was awful, so I'm taking a break from weed for a little bit. After I came down from my scary high, Jesse and I were hanging out and he told me he had feelings for me. I sort of new, in the back of my mind, but it was really weird to hear him say it. Jesse's really intense so it sort of freaked me out. He told me he really liked me as a friend and he was confused about whether his feelings were more and that if we got together he would want us to be in a serious relationship. I told him I needed to think about it a lot before I could talk to him about it - because he's one of my best friends and I didn't want to change anything and I really hadn't thought about him in that way so I wanted to sort out my feelings for sure.
The next week I screened my experimental, which went over well. Frame and Sequence was kind of sad because I felt like Jack and I weren't talking. I really missed him as a friend but we were both so awkward that I didn't know how to get over it, but after our lecture on Wednesday he came up and hugged me for no reason. Sometimes all you need in life is a hug from a cute boy. It was really funny though because we had to pitch our documentary ideas and his was about a brewery and his pitch was essentially "You will be paid in beer." Of course it got the most votes. I had sort of an off week and accidentally slept through some of my classes this week. I've been sort of sick so I've been sleeping a ton.
Thursday I was hanging out by myself while Laura was at class and I got a random burst of inspiration and wrote my entire final narrative. It was so amazing. I'm so happy with my script. It's about a boy who tries to resurrect the spirit of his mother, but accidentally summons the wrong ghost. It's sorta funny and supernatural and sad. It needs to be shot in a rural setting though, so I'm going to go out to Hannah's grandparents in CT to look for locations (Hannah said they'd buy me food, so that'll be really fun). I'm also thinking about asking some people in recorded music to score it for me so I could enter it in to festivals...but that's a ways away. Either way, I'd been having a bad few weeks and it was so nice to be creatively satisfied and reinstated that feeling of why I am in film school. It's nice to be excited about film making. I also signed up to be a production assistant on a senior's thesis film called Occult that's about Nazis and the supernatural. It's the biggest film being produced at Tisch right now and it's going to be a blast. I'm also doing preproduction on this really interesting project about a Vaudevillian mime who meets a little girl with magical powers.
After I was done writing Hannah and I ordered in some delicious pizza and watch The L Word, which is basically the gay Sex and the City. It was such a funny night. After Hannah left Jesse came over and I decided I finally needed to talk to him. Our friendship had been so awkward since the last week. We hadn't really been talking. It took me forever to get the guts to say anything but finally I just spit out that I thought we needed to be just friends. It was so awful. He was really sad - not just because of me - that I think a lot of his anxiety just manifested itself at that moment. He started crying. It was really, really awful, but I'm hoping now things can just....go back to friendship. :\
After that I went to sleep and slept for like a million hours. Last night I ended up going out with my friend Sabrina. This boy in film has a huge crush on her and invited us out with him for his birthday. It was kind of odd because we don't know him super well but he's really nice and REALLY loaded. We went to this bar and he ordered all these drinks for us. I brought Ian with me and Ian and I decided that we need to make more rich friends. We drank a ton of delicious mixed drinks and beer and the most delicious shots I've ever had. We called it a night pretty early though. I ended up drunkenly ordering food to my dorm and watching Sex and the City (and accidentally facebook iming this boy I think is really cute...which was mildly embarrassing).
That's my past few weeks. Time has been going by soooo quickly. I'm really not looking forward to the school year ending. I really do miss you guys. I don't want you to think I don't, at all, and actually what's really gets me through is thinking about long summer nights of us eating snacks and talking. But, I just really don't want to come back. The summer is going to spent working intensely because I haven't gotten a job here and next year (sophomore year is the most intense) I won't have time, so I need to make as much money as possible. Also, when I'm not working I'm going to try to intern at IPTV. I know working and being busy is just becoming an adult, but there's something really sad about not having that feeling of an open free summer. I also really love it here. I'm scared because in high school I never really loved where I was (except with my friends) and I just thought I wasn't a happy person by disposition, but I love it here and I am so happy.
Love you and miss you! Sorry for the super long blog. Also - the title of this blog is from the song "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele and Childish Gambino which you should all check out because its SO GOOD. Also I'm on a really big James Blake kick, so check him out too. Anyway - bye bye!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Take It Easy (Love Nothing)
Hey guys! I'm having a crazy ass week so I'm going to take a break from studying to write a blog!
So last night I went to see Bright Eyes at Radio City. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. The Bright Eyes album "I'm Wide Awake Its Morning" got me through so much in my life and so much of it is about living in the Village that its always been my idealized version of NY and a huge part of why I wanted to live in NY so badly - just to be an artist like Conor Oberst and find meaning and create awesome art. Radio City is such an awesome venue - its so iconic and everything is decorated as it was built, so its really glamourous. This is also Bright Eyes' last tour and, though I'm sure I'll see Conor in concert again, its really sad knowing this will be the last time I see him perform the music from Bright Eyes. The concert itself was so fucking fantastic. They played this intro of a man speaking that was all about where we are in the universe and what it means to find love and meaning in life and then Conor came out and played. They played a lot from their new album, but a ton of old songs too. It was the greatest feeling hearing these songs that were such a huge part of my life song by the real person, in real life, with hundreds of other people singing along and even though I'd heard the songs so many times they suddenly had a completely different meaning - like I understood all the lyrics and they were exactly how I felt. It was just....magical to have this guy like...showing us what was in his soul and we were all on the same page. Parts of it I just started crying because it was so beautiful and so perfect. I'd been having sort of a strange week, but it just made life seem so good, like everything in my life was enough if I could just listen to them play.
So here's an update on my life, besides the amazing-ness of Bright Eyes -
This week has been crazy. Its our midterm week so we have a ton of work. This semester has been way harder than the last one. One of my classes, Language of Film, is a really cool class but for some reason its insanely hard. The TA writers the most difficult quizzes and since everyone complained and was failing he decided to reformat them but the reformatting was actually harder, so today in class no one finished the quiz (it was 25 questions in 10 minutes that asked you to recall and analyze specific scenes from movies we had watched for each question and during it he has this really stressful habit of telling us what to do like "There's only five minutes left so ANSWER THE QUESTIONS NOW" and we were all like THAT IS SO UNHELPFUL - of course we are already trying to answer the questions!). I also have a large paper due for my gen ed and my paper is due for Writing the Essay - as well as my experimental film for Frame and Sequence which is due after Spring Break. Basically, crazy amounts of work. Everyone is just going crazy and delirious from lack of sleep. In our Frame and Sequence class none of us had slept and we were watching examples of experimental films. We were all sitting there, glassy eyed, with our heads in our hands, groaning things like "ahhh tooo tired to think about experimental filmssss."
Also, Jack and I talked. We were supposed to go to the Met together (for class) but he kept delaying and falling asleep, so finally we ended up just looking at art online and pretending we went on Sunday. He ended up falling asleep in my bed for a really long time while I did my homework. After that we went to get dinner and he was acting super weird and really out of it. He ended up telling me he felt really bad that he'd been such a dick to me and that he was just in this weird haze and super confused about life and that he thought it was really unfair to me that we keep hanging out romantically. He was really sweet though and told me he really liked me and when I was like "okay well if you figure out how you feel about me let me know" he was like "nooo its not you, I'm sorry I phrased it like that, I like you, but its like I don't know how I feel about relationships - I need to figure out myself before I get involved with anyone." I told him that I really did like him and I apologized for being super awkward and, this kinda killed me, said "you're as awkward as I am." Damn you awkward boys, making my heart hurt. We decided we still really wanna be friends. After he left we hugged in the dining hall and I went over to my friend Eric and ate a lot of ice cream and vented a lot. I was super worried about Frame and Sequence too because he's basically my only friend in the class, but he didn't show up for the first half cause he overslept and when he did, things went really well. It sucked a lot because it wasn't really the same, but I do really like him and, at least, I want to be his friend.
So that's been my week so far. I'm excited to be staying in the city over break because I feel I haven't been taking advantage of it enough. I live in this huge cultural city and I stay in the Village way too much so this break I'm going to explore a lot. I'm bummed that I won't get to see any of you guys and that almost all of my friends from here are going home, but my mom and my aunt are coming out. So happy spring breaks to you all! Love you and miss you!
So last night I went to see Bright Eyes at Radio City. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. The Bright Eyes album "I'm Wide Awake Its Morning" got me through so much in my life and so much of it is about living in the Village that its always been my idealized version of NY and a huge part of why I wanted to live in NY so badly - just to be an artist like Conor Oberst and find meaning and create awesome art. Radio City is such an awesome venue - its so iconic and everything is decorated as it was built, so its really glamourous. This is also Bright Eyes' last tour and, though I'm sure I'll see Conor in concert again, its really sad knowing this will be the last time I see him perform the music from Bright Eyes. The concert itself was so fucking fantastic. They played this intro of a man speaking that was all about where we are in the universe and what it means to find love and meaning in life and then Conor came out and played. They played a lot from their new album, but a ton of old songs too. It was the greatest feeling hearing these songs that were such a huge part of my life song by the real person, in real life, with hundreds of other people singing along and even though I'd heard the songs so many times they suddenly had a completely different meaning - like I understood all the lyrics and they were exactly how I felt. It was just....magical to have this guy like...showing us what was in his soul and we were all on the same page. Parts of it I just started crying because it was so beautiful and so perfect. I'd been having sort of a strange week, but it just made life seem so good, like everything in my life was enough if I could just listen to them play.
So here's an update on my life, besides the amazing-ness of Bright Eyes -
This week has been crazy. Its our midterm week so we have a ton of work. This semester has been way harder than the last one. One of my classes, Language of Film, is a really cool class but for some reason its insanely hard. The TA writers the most difficult quizzes and since everyone complained and was failing he decided to reformat them but the reformatting was actually harder, so today in class no one finished the quiz (it was 25 questions in 10 minutes that asked you to recall and analyze specific scenes from movies we had watched for each question and during it he has this really stressful habit of telling us what to do like "There's only five minutes left so ANSWER THE QUESTIONS NOW" and we were all like THAT IS SO UNHELPFUL - of course we are already trying to answer the questions!). I also have a large paper due for my gen ed and my paper is due for Writing the Essay - as well as my experimental film for Frame and Sequence which is due after Spring Break. Basically, crazy amounts of work. Everyone is just going crazy and delirious from lack of sleep. In our Frame and Sequence class none of us had slept and we were watching examples of experimental films. We were all sitting there, glassy eyed, with our heads in our hands, groaning things like "ahhh tooo tired to think about experimental filmssss."
Also, Jack and I talked. We were supposed to go to the Met together (for class) but he kept delaying and falling asleep, so finally we ended up just looking at art online and pretending we went on Sunday. He ended up falling asleep in my bed for a really long time while I did my homework. After that we went to get dinner and he was acting super weird and really out of it. He ended up telling me he felt really bad that he'd been such a dick to me and that he was just in this weird haze and super confused about life and that he thought it was really unfair to me that we keep hanging out romantically. He was really sweet though and told me he really liked me and when I was like "okay well if you figure out how you feel about me let me know" he was like "nooo its not you, I'm sorry I phrased it like that, I like you, but its like I don't know how I feel about relationships - I need to figure out myself before I get involved with anyone." I told him that I really did like him and I apologized for being super awkward and, this kinda killed me, said "you're as awkward as I am." Damn you awkward boys, making my heart hurt. We decided we still really wanna be friends. After he left we hugged in the dining hall and I went over to my friend Eric and ate a lot of ice cream and vented a lot. I was super worried about Frame and Sequence too because he's basically my only friend in the class, but he didn't show up for the first half cause he overslept and when he did, things went really well. It sucked a lot because it wasn't really the same, but I do really like him and, at least, I want to be his friend.
So that's been my week so far. I'm excited to be staying in the city over break because I feel I haven't been taking advantage of it enough. I live in this huge cultural city and I stay in the Village way too much so this break I'm going to explore a lot. I'm bummed that I won't get to see any of you guys and that almost all of my friends from here are going home, but my mom and my aunt are coming out. So happy spring breaks to you all! Love you and miss you!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
Yo yo yo guys. It's been a while since a blog so let's do this.
Classes have been going well. I just finished my first narrative for my production class (you should check it out - its on facebook under the album 15 Frame Narrative!) and I feel really good about it. I don't know a whole lot about cameras so its been sorta tough keeping up with a lot of people that do. My professor's this really cool young black lady, but she's still not as great as my favorite lady ever from last semester - Barbara Malmet - and my class is sorta quiet and not as close knit. On the first day I was sort of worried because I didn't know anyone that well, except for person. We were friends last semester, but not super close, and I really wanted to have a class with him because he's really cute and really nice.
So I had a big crush on Jack in class but I figured we were just in the friend zone, but two weeks ago he texts me out of nowhere and asks to hang out and I, of course, say YESSSSSS. He comes over and we're talking and watching movies and he starts kissing me and again I am like YESSSSSS. We ended up hanging out every day for about a week and kissing a bunch and talking and I was soo excited. Not to be melodramatic, but it was such a good time and I got really happy - happier than I'd been about a crush for a really long time. Like sometimes my stomach would get knotted up and I couldn't eat. He's really quiet but he seemed to sort of be letting his guard down. It was so much fun and we sat by each other in our big lecture classes and everything, but all of a sudden he just got sort of distant and didn't ask me to hang out and every time I would ask him he'd be busy - but I couldn't ever tell what he meant because he seemed super apologetic. We didn't hang out for awhile and this week he came over for about an hour but it was sort of weird because Laura was here and we didn't kiss or anything and I asked him to hang out Friday (because Laura was out of town and everything,,,) but he couldn't.
So this weekend Laura's visiting her sister so Friday we wanted to drink and smoke to our heart's content in my room. We bought some beer, got Indian food, went to a comedy show and than came back to my dorm and drank a lot and smoked a lot of weed. I was really bummed about Jack and I had been trying to get him to come over and Ryan made a joke (sort of, more of just a comment) about his blowing me off. We ended up drinking huge amount of alcohol and smoking a lot of weed (and apparently an RA came and asked Ryan, who was in the hallway outside of our room and doesn't smoke, if anyone was smoking...so we got super lucky that we didn't get caught). So the night started to calm down and everyone started to go home, except for my friend Ian and honestly...we ended up having sex. We barely actually did anything because we were both so drunk that it didn't really work. We ended up just talking for a really long time about relationships because Ian is still sort of in love with his ex girlfriend and I talked to him a bunch about Jack. It was really odd because I've hooked up with Ian a lot that it felt really natural that we'd end up sleeping together and it was really comfortable. I'm only uncomfortable with it because I wish it hadn't happened on a night where I was really upset. I'm glad though that making a silly decision was with someone I really trust.
Last night we didn't really have a lot to do but we wanted to dance and drink a lot. We chugged four lokos and went to Columbia, but the dance party we went to was realllly lame. And because we were hurrying to get there I drank way too quickly and got super sick. We ended up just taking a cab home because we were so miserable and in the cab I started to feel really sick and we ended up having to get out of the cab early because I ended up...throwing up...everywhere. So I have now officially puked all over the streets of New York. I feel like it was some sort of rite of passage to being a real New Yorker. Its the point where you really realize you are invisible in the giant city and you're really one of them. I remember being really upset that I puked near someone's car. My friends took me home and made sure I was in bed and at around 5 in the morning the FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. I was sooo out of it. I put on a tshirt over my dress and my boots and a coat. I literally stumbled down the stairs, looking sooo drunk. It was freezing so Ryan and I went to go get bagels which made it mildly better.
So that's been my weekend, ladies. I'm currently therapeutically listening to Florence and the Machines. Screaming along with her has got to be sooooo good for the soul. Life is alright in the city, for now. I'm hoping I'm being paranoid about the whole Jack thing...but that's life. I've got to give it time. I'm also excited for spring break - which is in a few weeks - my mom and my aunt are coming out so we're going to go out for lots of food and do touristy NY things. Miss you and love you guys!
Classes have been going well. I just finished my first narrative for my production class (you should check it out - its on facebook under the album 15 Frame Narrative!) and I feel really good about it. I don't know a whole lot about cameras so its been sorta tough keeping up with a lot of people that do. My professor's this really cool young black lady, but she's still not as great as my favorite lady ever from last semester - Barbara Malmet - and my class is sorta quiet and not as close knit. On the first day I was sort of worried because I didn't know anyone that well, except for person. We were friends last semester, but not super close, and I really wanted to have a class with him because he's really cute and really nice.
So I had a big crush on Jack in class but I figured we were just in the friend zone, but two weeks ago he texts me out of nowhere and asks to hang out and I, of course, say YESSSSSS. He comes over and we're talking and watching movies and he starts kissing me and again I am like YESSSSSS. We ended up hanging out every day for about a week and kissing a bunch and talking and I was soo excited. Not to be melodramatic, but it was such a good time and I got really happy - happier than I'd been about a crush for a really long time. Like sometimes my stomach would get knotted up and I couldn't eat. He's really quiet but he seemed to sort of be letting his guard down. It was so much fun and we sat by each other in our big lecture classes and everything, but all of a sudden he just got sort of distant and didn't ask me to hang out and every time I would ask him he'd be busy - but I couldn't ever tell what he meant because he seemed super apologetic. We didn't hang out for awhile and this week he came over for about an hour but it was sort of weird because Laura was here and we didn't kiss or anything and I asked him to hang out Friday (because Laura was out of town and everything,,,) but he couldn't.
So this weekend Laura's visiting her sister so Friday we wanted to drink and smoke to our heart's content in my room. We bought some beer, got Indian food, went to a comedy show and than came back to my dorm and drank a lot and smoked a lot of weed. I was really bummed about Jack and I had been trying to get him to come over and Ryan made a joke (sort of, more of just a comment) about his blowing me off. We ended up drinking huge amount of alcohol and smoking a lot of weed (and apparently an RA came and asked Ryan, who was in the hallway outside of our room and doesn't smoke, if anyone was smoking...so we got super lucky that we didn't get caught). So the night started to calm down and everyone started to go home, except for my friend Ian and honestly...we ended up having sex. We barely actually did anything because we were both so drunk that it didn't really work. We ended up just talking for a really long time about relationships because Ian is still sort of in love with his ex girlfriend and I talked to him a bunch about Jack. It was really odd because I've hooked up with Ian a lot that it felt really natural that we'd end up sleeping together and it was really comfortable. I'm only uncomfortable with it because I wish it hadn't happened on a night where I was really upset. I'm glad though that making a silly decision was with someone I really trust.
Last night we didn't really have a lot to do but we wanted to dance and drink a lot. We chugged four lokos and went to Columbia, but the dance party we went to was realllly lame. And because we were hurrying to get there I drank way too quickly and got super sick. We ended up just taking a cab home because we were so miserable and in the cab I started to feel really sick and we ended up having to get out of the cab early because I ended up...throwing up...everywhere. So I have now officially puked all over the streets of New York. I feel like it was some sort of rite of passage to being a real New Yorker. Its the point where you really realize you are invisible in the giant city and you're really one of them. I remember being really upset that I puked near someone's car. My friends took me home and made sure I was in bed and at around 5 in the morning the FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. I was sooo out of it. I put on a tshirt over my dress and my boots and a coat. I literally stumbled down the stairs, looking sooo drunk. It was freezing so Ryan and I went to go get bagels which made it mildly better.
So that's been my weekend, ladies. I'm currently therapeutically listening to Florence and the Machines. Screaming along with her has got to be sooooo good for the soul. Life is alright in the city, for now. I'm hoping I'm being paranoid about the whole Jack thing...but that's life. I've got to give it time. I'm also excited for spring break - which is in a few weeks - my mom and my aunt are coming out so we're going to go out for lots of food and do touristy NY things. Miss you and love you guys!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Eskimo Kisses
Hey guys! Quick blog, but just some things.
I cut stuff off with Casey cause I realized I really, really did not want a boyfriend especially if I wasn't completely sure. Now I just feel sort of uncomfortable about the whole thing, but whatever, life moves on. I'm just really not ready to stick to one person (unless my friend Ian decides he's secretly in love with me...but that's pretty unlikely).
I've been working on Tisch 48 Hour Film Festival which has been amazing. Its Hannah, Ian, Ryan, our friend Zach, and me. We wrote a three minutes movie about an eskimo living in the city and its so adorable. I can't wait for you guys to see it! We wrote all Friday night and ate pizza and it was so much fun (a taste at being a real writer). The next day we got up obscenely early and went down to Chinatown to film her buy some raw fish. It was disgusting and hilarious. After that we headed to Central Park, filmed in the snow for a long time, which was miserable and than came back, filmed exteriors and started editing. And by editing I mean Hannah, Ian and I got really high while Ryan edited and Zach drank four loko.
Its been really fun filming and made me really excited to make films but also incredibly intimidated. I didn't do very much for this one - I helped write a little, but other than that I don't know enough about cameras or editing software to be of any real help, so I feel sort of scared that I'm in over my head. Everyone I'm working with, especially Ian, is incredibly talented and right now I can't really compete with them. I just need to get more focused because I have a lot of catching up to do.
So anyway, I'm really hungry so I'm gonna go!
I cut stuff off with Casey cause I realized I really, really did not want a boyfriend especially if I wasn't completely sure. Now I just feel sort of uncomfortable about the whole thing, but whatever, life moves on. I'm just really not ready to stick to one person (unless my friend Ian decides he's secretly in love with me...but that's pretty unlikely).
I've been working on Tisch 48 Hour Film Festival which has been amazing. Its Hannah, Ian, Ryan, our friend Zach, and me. We wrote a three minutes movie about an eskimo living in the city and its so adorable. I can't wait for you guys to see it! We wrote all Friday night and ate pizza and it was so much fun (a taste at being a real writer). The next day we got up obscenely early and went down to Chinatown to film her buy some raw fish. It was disgusting and hilarious. After that we headed to Central Park, filmed in the snow for a long time, which was miserable and than came back, filmed exteriors and started editing. And by editing I mean Hannah, Ian and I got really high while Ryan edited and Zach drank four loko.
Its been really fun filming and made me really excited to make films but also incredibly intimidated. I didn't do very much for this one - I helped write a little, but other than that I don't know enough about cameras or editing software to be of any real help, so I feel sort of scared that I'm in over my head. Everyone I'm working with, especially Ian, is incredibly talented and right now I can't really compete with them. I just need to get more focused because I have a lot of catching up to do.
So anyway, I'm really hungry so I'm gonna go!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
the only living boy in new york
Hey guys! I thought I should post a blog catching everyone up on my life. I'm getting back in to the swing of things in New York and its so fantastic. I was getting worried over break that it was going to be scary to be back and I would miss everyone at home too much (and I do!) but its been sooo much fun to be back. I'm being productive creatively again and its so great to see all my friends from school.
I got back to school last Thursday. The flight was exhausting. My friends trickled back over the day and we went out to a barbecue place that night, which I thought was hilarious because I come back to NYC after a month where there's every type of cuisine that we don't have in Iowa and where do we go...barbecue. I spent my weekend back in New York eating lots of delicious foods, smoking a lot of weed, and catching up with my friends. On Friday it was snowing a bit so we went to the park and frolicked. After that we got hot chocolate and went to see Blue Valentine which is SO good so it was a really great day.
On Monday classes started. I had my production class which was cool - its called Frame and Sequence and its film through photography stills (like a movie made of just photographs) so we got our cameras and learned the basics. Our prof was gone because she just had a baby, but she'll be back so I don't know what to totally expect from the class yet. Tuesday I had my gen ed which seems really hard but interesting. It was cool though because I randomly sat behind a friend of mine in the lecture and its not even a film class. I had some more classes which were all mildly interesting but nothing too exciting. We have a lot more classes this semester with our entire semester (the total 200 some of us are divided in to 2 semesters) of film kids so I get to see my friends a lot more.
I spent some time with Ethan once I got back and we made out once when we were really really drunk and one time when we were sober. I really wasn't feeling it at all though - the spark just wasn't there for me and really all he talks about is smoking weed or drinking. I don't know what he wants from the situation so I've just been spending less time with him so I think its going to be cool. Hopefully we can just go back to being bros.
(Sorry this is in no logical fashion) Wednesday I had plenary (which is a big lecture by a different professor) for my Writing the Essay class. I was expecting it to be boring but it was actually awesome. The professor gave a lecture on Andy Warhol and his importance in art and it was so amazing. I love Warhol and it was awesome to have him basically explained to me. My later class was Language of Film which I really love. Its taught by a lady who used to work with the Coen Bros which is awesome but now she's back at NYU. We just watch movies and discuss why they're great. After LofF we walked back to our dorm but it was snowing really hard....
and the next morning we wake up to discover....
ITS A SNOW DAY!
It was so exciting because who expects a snow day in college?? Laura and I walked down to the Apple Store in Soho because they do a lot of free shows and you just have to go get wristbands the week before (and we're going to see Iron and Wine tomorrow!). There were no cars on the streets and the snow was everywhere. It was nice and sunny out so it was like walking in a winter wonderland. We got our wristbands and walked back to our dorm. After that we went to lunch and our friend Ryan decides that we're all going to go sledding and because we don't have sleds my friends steal a bunch of trays from the dining hall.
There's this really cute guy in film that I don't really know but I knew he had the teacher for frame and sequence that I had last semester so I imed him and asked him what she was like. We ended up talking for a really long time and he ended up coming sledding with us. So before we headed out to sled I bought some cheap snow boots (they're fantastic with leopard print) with him and Hannah. All the friends met up with our tray sleds in hand and trekked out to Central Park. Central Park was sooo beautiful in the winter and everyone was out frolicking about. We walked through a large part of the park and got to a giant hill for sledding. It was so incredibly fun. The trays worked as really great sleds and we were going really fast. It was scary as hell though because it was so crowded and people were walking around on the slopes so we kept crashing or almost crashing in to people. We tried to find another less crowded hill so we moved. We were making giant trains of everyone holding each others legs and sledding. Seriously, sooo much fun. We ended up making a giant train though and it started spinning around and there was a boulder in the middle of the slope covered in snow and I hit my ankle, twisting it the wrong way, and my friend landed on it. Its super swollen though but the battle wounds were worth it.
After the sledding we built a snow man and snow angels until we were freezing. We decided to head back to the Village and get some hot chocolate. We got delicious (but sadly expensive) hot chocolate and talked and it was so nice. It was so beautiful in the sunny day to be out in the snow. It was nice to be back in nature while still within the city and it was just a blast to play around like little kids. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life. It was also nice to get to know a new boy who is really funny and interesting. I had so much fun with him all day. Also apparently Ryan told his friends about my little...crush so now they're all on a mission to set it up. Heh. After that we went back to the dorm, ate dinner, and now I'm sitting, icing my very swollen ankle, and typing this out to you.
So that was my fantastic day! Keep me updated on your lives! I miss you guys and I love you!
I got back to school last Thursday. The flight was exhausting. My friends trickled back over the day and we went out to a barbecue place that night, which I thought was hilarious because I come back to NYC after a month where there's every type of cuisine that we don't have in Iowa and where do we go...barbecue. I spent my weekend back in New York eating lots of delicious foods, smoking a lot of weed, and catching up with my friends. On Friday it was snowing a bit so we went to the park and frolicked. After that we got hot chocolate and went to see Blue Valentine which is SO good so it was a really great day.
On Monday classes started. I had my production class which was cool - its called Frame and Sequence and its film through photography stills (like a movie made of just photographs) so we got our cameras and learned the basics. Our prof was gone because she just had a baby, but she'll be back so I don't know what to totally expect from the class yet. Tuesday I had my gen ed which seems really hard but interesting. It was cool though because I randomly sat behind a friend of mine in the lecture and its not even a film class. I had some more classes which were all mildly interesting but nothing too exciting. We have a lot more classes this semester with our entire semester (the total 200 some of us are divided in to 2 semesters) of film kids so I get to see my friends a lot more.
I spent some time with Ethan once I got back and we made out once when we were really really drunk and one time when we were sober. I really wasn't feeling it at all though - the spark just wasn't there for me and really all he talks about is smoking weed or drinking. I don't know what he wants from the situation so I've just been spending less time with him so I think its going to be cool. Hopefully we can just go back to being bros.
(Sorry this is in no logical fashion) Wednesday I had plenary (which is a big lecture by a different professor) for my Writing the Essay class. I was expecting it to be boring but it was actually awesome. The professor gave a lecture on Andy Warhol and his importance in art and it was so amazing. I love Warhol and it was awesome to have him basically explained to me. My later class was Language of Film which I really love. Its taught by a lady who used to work with the Coen Bros which is awesome but now she's back at NYU. We just watch movies and discuss why they're great. After LofF we walked back to our dorm but it was snowing really hard....
and the next morning we wake up to discover....
ITS A SNOW DAY!
It was so exciting because who expects a snow day in college?? Laura and I walked down to the Apple Store in Soho because they do a lot of free shows and you just have to go get wristbands the week before (and we're going to see Iron and Wine tomorrow!). There were no cars on the streets and the snow was everywhere. It was nice and sunny out so it was like walking in a winter wonderland. We got our wristbands and walked back to our dorm. After that we went to lunch and our friend Ryan decides that we're all going to go sledding and because we don't have sleds my friends steal a bunch of trays from the dining hall.
There's this really cute guy in film that I don't really know but I knew he had the teacher for frame and sequence that I had last semester so I imed him and asked him what she was like. We ended up talking for a really long time and he ended up coming sledding with us. So before we headed out to sled I bought some cheap snow boots (they're fantastic with leopard print) with him and Hannah. All the friends met up with our tray sleds in hand and trekked out to Central Park. Central Park was sooo beautiful in the winter and everyone was out frolicking about. We walked through a large part of the park and got to a giant hill for sledding. It was so incredibly fun. The trays worked as really great sleds and we were going really fast. It was scary as hell though because it was so crowded and people were walking around on the slopes so we kept crashing or almost crashing in to people. We tried to find another less crowded hill so we moved. We were making giant trains of everyone holding each others legs and sledding. Seriously, sooo much fun. We ended up making a giant train though and it started spinning around and there was a boulder in the middle of the slope covered in snow and I hit my ankle, twisting it the wrong way, and my friend landed on it. Its super swollen though but the battle wounds were worth it.
After the sledding we built a snow man and snow angels until we were freezing. We decided to head back to the Village and get some hot chocolate. We got delicious (but sadly expensive) hot chocolate and talked and it was so nice. It was so beautiful in the sunny day to be out in the snow. It was nice to be back in nature while still within the city and it was just a blast to play around like little kids. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life. It was also nice to get to know a new boy who is really funny and interesting. I had so much fun with him all day. Also apparently Ryan told his friends about my little...crush so now they're all on a mission to set it up. Heh. After that we went back to the dorm, ate dinner, and now I'm sitting, icing my very swollen ankle, and typing this out to you.
So that was my fantastic day! Keep me updated on your lives! I miss you guys and I love you!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Let's 2011
New Years Resolutions
1. To be more honest with myself about my emotions - what I want for myself and what I need
2. To be more honest with the people around me
3. To try and be honest and atone for any dumb stuff I've done
Over this break I have lost my panties, been told by an ex that he never wants to talk to me again, had heart to hearts, cried my eyes out, panicked over what I really want in life, been told some of the sweetest things ever, possibly lost a friend, had random sex, gone to work hung over, seen my best friends, drank champagne at midnight, kissed a gay boy, kissed one of my best friends, pretended I was a twin and it was my birthday at La Casa, learned to play Sorry, watched four seasons of Entourage, two seasons of Teen Mom and over 20 movies, and did a million other things.
I felt I really needed to write out some of the chaos that is going on in my life.
So first of all – I saw Max the day after he got back from Germany. It was fun…but awkward. We were being really nice to each other but there was this undertone of like...competition and bragginess. I don’t really know how to explain it but it was really uncomfortable. Like we didn’t know how to be each other’s friends without hurting each other or just acting like we were dating again. He told me about an experience he had in Amsterdam that really freaked me out and we talked about my love life, which was pretty much a disastrous topic. After we left he texted me that he didn’t want to see me or talk to me for a long time and that I made him feel like shit about our relationship and that either I had changed a lot or he had and he just didn’t know it. We haven't talked since and I found that he deleted me on facebook. I sent him a message that basically said I didn't want to intrude in his life or make him talk to me if he didn't want to, but I wanted him to know I was sorry.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Max. Honestly, Max is a wonderful person, but I wish I hadn’t gotten into any of this. I love him, as one of my best friends, but I was never in love with him and I think he’s figured that out now, at least subconsciously. I really wish I hadn’t dragged this out and ended up hurting him such an immense amount and hurting myself by letting myself spend so much time in a relationship that wasn’t right for me. Now I’ve lost one of my best friends and a huge amount of time in my life.
It’s been really odd being back home. I’ve started to settle back into my old life, which was comforting and fun. I’ve missed you guys so much. I was watching the movie Wonder Boys a few days ago. Its set in a college and the main character is in an English professor. I know that I am happy at NYU, but there are times that deep within myself I really long for the traditional college experience. Sometimes, more than anything, I want the books and the old buildings and the tree lined paths. I want to be buried in books and learn just to learn. I want to be collegiate. I hope there is a time in my life that will be like that. I would love to teach film theory at some point as a professor and write screenplays and hopefully that will happen in some small college town. I’ve chosen what I’m doing now because I love film but its really hard to look forward without any regrets.
I had some…interesting experiences with boys over break. Since everybody knows my business anyway, I won’t go into too much detail. One experience is particularly tender in my mind right now though. I can’t say I was expecting anything from a fling over winter break, and I don’t really feel like posting every detail on a blog, but it was an odd experience. It was odd to be so close to someone for such a very brief amount of time. I mean, I didn’t expect anything other than basically casual sex. It just hurt that it was more than just that.
I’ve been feeling like kind of a jerk recently. Its been really hard to divide myself between life here and life in NY and I feel like being caught between the two hasn’t made me the nicest person. I know there isn’t really an excuse, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m still very much trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I want. So I’m trying to start the new year on a new page, so I’m sorry if I’ve done anything that’s stupid or mean. I don’t’ want to have barriers or secrets from any of you anymore. I guess it’s a bit of a New Years resolution, but I want to be more upfront and honest about what I want and, in addition, atone for the stupid things I’ve done.
So, Averee, I’m sorry that this is public and perhaps you will never read this, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry for whatever made you upset. I really didn’t know the party at your house was an issue. I’m not trying to make myself a good guy or whatever, because I’m definitely not, but, I promise this, I really thought you were fine with the situation. I didn’t want to offend you or ruin your plans at all and I’m really sorry if I was part of that.
There’s probably a lot of other things to talk about but that’s all I have to say for now. Happy New Years!
1. To be more honest with myself about my emotions - what I want for myself and what I need
2. To be more honest with the people around me
3. To try and be honest and atone for any dumb stuff I've done
Over this break I have lost my panties, been told by an ex that he never wants to talk to me again, had heart to hearts, cried my eyes out, panicked over what I really want in life, been told some of the sweetest things ever, possibly lost a friend, had random sex, gone to work hung over, seen my best friends, drank champagne at midnight, kissed a gay boy, kissed one of my best friends, pretended I was a twin and it was my birthday at La Casa, learned to play Sorry, watched four seasons of Entourage, two seasons of Teen Mom and over 20 movies, and did a million other things.
I felt I really needed to write out some of the chaos that is going on in my life.
So first of all – I saw Max the day after he got back from Germany. It was fun…but awkward. We were being really nice to each other but there was this undertone of like...competition and bragginess. I don’t really know how to explain it but it was really uncomfortable. Like we didn’t know how to be each other’s friends without hurting each other or just acting like we were dating again. He told me about an experience he had in Amsterdam that really freaked me out and we talked about my love life, which was pretty much a disastrous topic. After we left he texted me that he didn’t want to see me or talk to me for a long time and that I made him feel like shit about our relationship and that either I had changed a lot or he had and he just didn’t know it. We haven't talked since and I found that he deleted me on facebook. I sent him a message that basically said I didn't want to intrude in his life or make him talk to me if he didn't want to, but I wanted him to know I was sorry.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Max. Honestly, Max is a wonderful person, but I wish I hadn’t gotten into any of this. I love him, as one of my best friends, but I was never in love with him and I think he’s figured that out now, at least subconsciously. I really wish I hadn’t dragged this out and ended up hurting him such an immense amount and hurting myself by letting myself spend so much time in a relationship that wasn’t right for me. Now I’ve lost one of my best friends and a huge amount of time in my life.
It’s been really odd being back home. I’ve started to settle back into my old life, which was comforting and fun. I’ve missed you guys so much. I was watching the movie Wonder Boys a few days ago. Its set in a college and the main character is in an English professor. I know that I am happy at NYU, but there are times that deep within myself I really long for the traditional college experience. Sometimes, more than anything, I want the books and the old buildings and the tree lined paths. I want to be buried in books and learn just to learn. I want to be collegiate. I hope there is a time in my life that will be like that. I would love to teach film theory at some point as a professor and write screenplays and hopefully that will happen in some small college town. I’ve chosen what I’m doing now because I love film but its really hard to look forward without any regrets.
I had some…interesting experiences with boys over break. Since everybody knows my business anyway, I won’t go into too much detail. One experience is particularly tender in my mind right now though. I can’t say I was expecting anything from a fling over winter break, and I don’t really feel like posting every detail on a blog, but it was an odd experience. It was odd to be so close to someone for such a very brief amount of time. I mean, I didn’t expect anything other than basically casual sex. It just hurt that it was more than just that.
I’ve been feeling like kind of a jerk recently. Its been really hard to divide myself between life here and life in NY and I feel like being caught between the two hasn’t made me the nicest person. I know there isn’t really an excuse, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m still very much trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I want. So I’m trying to start the new year on a new page, so I’m sorry if I’ve done anything that’s stupid or mean. I don’t’ want to have barriers or secrets from any of you anymore. I guess it’s a bit of a New Years resolution, but I want to be more upfront and honest about what I want and, in addition, atone for the stupid things I’ve done.
So, Averee, I’m sorry that this is public and perhaps you will never read this, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry for whatever made you upset. I really didn’t know the party at your house was an issue. I’m not trying to make myself a good guy or whatever, because I’m definitely not, but, I promise this, I really thought you were fine with the situation. I didn’t want to offend you or ruin your plans at all and I’m really sorry if I was part of that.
There’s probably a lot of other things to talk about but that’s all I have to say for now. Happy New Years!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)