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:(

Just got into bed after a really long night. Ian had been laying on my floor in the hallway for a few hours and he finally left.

I guess I'll just start at the beginning of tonight.

My cousin's roommate is having a house party in Brooklyn and we decide to go. I text Ian telling him to come with us and he actually commits. In Philosophy he'd be like taking my rings off my fingers and than after class we walked out with out him and he shouted my name down the street and when I came up to him he just said "Oh hey." Than we walked to his dorm and when we left he kept hugging me. It was really sweet and cute and kind of weird. So he says he's going to come with us to the party but he misses the train so we end up at the party and I drink a lot of whiskey and I hang out with Joanna a lot which is awesome and Ian keeps calling me for directions and stuff so he finalllllly gets there but that's when everyone's leaving. So he drinks some beer and my friends decide to go back to Manhattan. I stay with Ian and his friend and we sort of sit around and than wander through Brooklyn and they're having like really goofy rap battles and its really funny and we take the train back to Manhattan and his friend wants to go get pizza so we do that and than I'm like heyyy Ian should walk me back to Rubin and they start walking me back to Rubin and eventually I just look and Ian and look at the friend and say "Hey IAN should walk me back" and the friend is really confused and Ian's basically just like "Hey...just go..." So Ian and I walk back to my dorm.

In my dorm we sneak in and Laura's asleep and we start kissing a ton on my bed and than I run to go the bathroom and I walk out and there's Laura and Ian standing in the hallway and Laura looks confused and groggy and its just like...whaattttt. So Laura goes back to sleep and Ian and I giggle a bunch and he's like I'm so tired and I don't want to go back to my dorm at all so I try to convince him to sleep over and he says he's going to so I grab him a tshirt because he's wearing like a button down shirt and he starts taking off his shirt to change and we start kissing a ton more because I mean...he's just undressing in front of me. And so he realizes that him sleeping over is actually probably a really bad idea because Laura might wake up and he has stuff the next day so we go out into the hallway that I share with my suitemate - which is basically part of my room and we start kissing some more and it gets really intense and really really amazing. Eventually we stop because we realize we're about to start like...fucking in my hallway and that's not going to work. And so we stop kissing and he takes my face in his hands and says....

....
......

There's something I need to tell you.

I can't be in a monogamous relationship right now.

And I look at him for a really long time and am just like oh well I mean, we don't have to be monogamous. And he goes on to explain that he doesn't just mean we can't be in a monogamous relationship - he doesn't want any type of relationship at all. And he apologizes for all the stuff that happened that night and how he should've just said something to begin with.

And fuck it, my heart sinks but he's being so fucking nice about it and just stays in my hallway and we sit on the floor and talk about stuff for such a long time and we talk about relationships and random shit and he tells me about how he just got out of a serious relationship and I try to sort of casually suggest like just being friends who hook up but he says that'd be unfair to me because I'd just really like him and it would end badly which is really true and it was just so fucking painful.

And he's like text me tomorrow - I promise I will text you back. And when we're leaving I don't know what to do and he just looks at me and says I can't kiss you. But we hugged for a really long time and he just sort of held me and he was like - I'll kiss the bridge of your nose and I said nooo the bridge of my nose doesn't want to be kissed and he said no I'll kiss your forehead and I moved my forehead so he couldn't reach it and he said no I'll kiss the top of your head and I said the top of my head is grumpy but he grabbed me and kissed the top of my head.

Than he left and he told me just to go to sleep and not think about anything and just sleep and text him tomorrow - but also if I wanted to I didn't have to talk to him again or I could avoid him for months - whatever made it easier for me. And now I'm sitting in bed and, of course, the only thing I can do is think about it.

All Delighted People Raise Their Hands

Hey so felt like I should blog a bit...so here goes. Trying to remember what all happened this week...hm...

So Sunday night I went and saw the talent show at Weinstein - the preliminaries for the Ultraviolet Talent Show (the one that Lady Gaga got 2nd place in!) and saw one of my friends perform. On Monday I had class and than I hung out with this guy and had the most hipster-y afternoon. We sat around and listened to Bright Eyes/Arcade Fire/every other stereotypical indie band and we went for a walk to the river and walked on this deserted pier and he took polaroids and we talked about film. It was so much fun and we kept laughing at how artsy we were being. On Tuesday I had class all day, pretty uneventful. Wednesday I had Sound Image all day and we started working on our group projects. It was so much fun because we have to have a producer, writer, director and editor in each group and I'm the writer. I'm so excited to write a script and have all these people contribute. We get to do casting and have auditions with actors and everything! I was majorly geeking out about it.

And Thursday's today! My parents came in for parents weekend today and we went out to eat and did some birthday things. It was really nice to see them.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with my mom and dinner with my parents and my cousin's family and than to some 50s sockhop hipster party in Brooklyn. Should be interesting...heh. Bye for now! I miss you guys!

HIT IT AND QUIT IT

HEY!

So sorta drunk me likes to blog...

So here's the weekly drunk blog.

Just got home and my feet hurt and I bought like six dollars worth of milk on the way home.

So my weekend was after philosophy I had asked Ian to get coffee with me but I was like you know lets just go back to my dorm so we come back to my dorm and Laura's gone and...NOTHING HAPPENS. Seriously, he doesn't make a move. We just sit around for a little bit and than hes like you busy tonight? And I'm like NO WANNA HANG OUT and hes like uhh maybe. WHY ASK? I hate boys. So stupid.

So I end up meeting up with my cousin Julie and her friends and we smoke some and than go to this party that her friends friend is having at his super nice apartment. Its okay but kinda awkard cause its small we're so young - but we went up to the roof and climbed up on this scary ladder on top of the roof and saw so much of New York which was really cool and I met this guy who knows my cousin from San Diego. Soo weird. And this film major was telling me that all the professors at Tisch smoke weed in the basement? I guess its probably true heh

So Saturday I went thrifting with Julie's friend Joanna who I had met a couple times and she's hilarious and awesome and we just talked about boys so much and her motto for everything is "hit it and quit it." So great. After that we went up to Columbia and got off on the wrong train stop and ended up in the super sketch part of Harlem on Malcolm X Boulevard - seriously he has a boulevard and its terrifying. We end up at Barnard/Columbia and drink in Nicole's room at Barnard. I was freaking out all day cause Ian was going to be there but he got sick and couldn't go. So all my freaking out was for no reason. :(

We go to Columbia and go to a frat and its hautned house themed and super sick. My friends and I just sort of stand around and than decide to dance a ton. This really creepy guy was dancing on me a ton so I started slutty dancing on Aaron to get him to go away and it was hilarious. The dancing was super intense like everybody was all over everyone - it was something I would've completely hated in high school but it was so insanely fun. I ended up dancing a ton with this guy who went to NYU and we were hooking up a bunch and decided to go the bathroom on the third floor of the frat to continue hooking up and we're in the bathroom and Aaron calls me and just says GET OUT OF THE PARTY NOW.

It turns out the cops are there...so scary, but they didn't arrest anybody just told us all to leave. So we go to tom's which is open all night and is actually the restaurant from Seinfeld. Its pretty sweet - and than we go to back to the frat and have giant dance party and come home.

I feel really weird about hooking up with that guy - like it was really fun and stuff but I still just keep thinking about Ian and how much I really do like him. I guess I have four years to persue him and relationships and its okay to make silly bad decisions in college.

Yay life

Sorry this is going to be sort of braggy so feel free to skip - I just need a little space to rant.

So today in Sound Image we had to read this thing we wrote called "My Life the Movie" and my professor told me I was in the right place - meaning here at Tisch, doing film. It was such a fucking awesome compliment. She said everything I do is "so cinematic." And she asked me what I wanted to do and my friend was like "she wants to be a writer!" and she told me I could do it. And my class told me I looked like a writer - and they said it was the glasses.

We also had a dance party to Britney Spears and I got an A on my first two projects!

I really really love film and I'm so excited for everything I'm doing. There's so many things here I really love doing. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go the writing track but at the same time I love sound and documentary and editing. We learned about the sound booths today and I was just in heaven. The idea of having a little booth where you can just create anything you want and edit away for hours makes me so happy.

YAY FILM!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

HEY!

SO

HEY!

Let me tell you about my night!

So last night I was sort of frustrated (by sort of I mean really) because I wanted to meet up with this guy I really really really liked, name Ian, and he's just sort of...hard to get a hold of. So today I was just sort of resigned that I wasn't going to be able to get ahold of him so Hannah suggested we go to a frat party at Columbia because she has some friends who go to Barnard (which is the sister college of Columbia) and I was like yeah that sounds fun lets go! So I changed into this really great dress and my friends and I all set out on the subway to get to Columbia - which takes forever. We finally get to Barnard and its freeezing and Hannah's friends don't know of any parties going on so we just walk to this liquor store in the real sketch neighborhood nearby and buy Four Loko and hard lemonade cause apparently they don't card.

So we wander around looking for some parties and its really dead because its Columbus day weekend and everyone's home so we go back to Barnard and start drinking in Hannah's friend's room. We're getting sort of drunk and Laura, Eric, and Gabe decide to leave because they don't drink and they wanted to sleep. So they leave and everyone keeps drinking and all of a sudden my phone rings and its....Ian! Who ran into Laura at the subway station because he's at Columbia. So he's about to leave to go back to NYU because he thought the parties were lame but I convince him to come meet up with us at Barnard - with the promise that if its lame I'll pay for his subway fair (since he had actually swiped a ride when he ran into Laura).

I start freaking out to the group we're with about how much I like him and go downstairs to meet him and we just start drinking and dancing to music in the dorm still. And this girl joins us and she's majorlyyyyyy hitting on Ian but I am too so its just really awkward and hilarious because its basically my friends and a lot of Barnard people watching two girls hit on this guy who is CLUELESS that this is happening. I get up to go to the bathroom and so does Ian and apparently while I'm gone Hannah told the girl to stop because of me. She's a pretty fucking awesome wingman. Than we lay on the ground and I'm sort of goofing off and talking to Ian a lot and its really fun and the lights get turned off because we wanted to look at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling and Ian and I are sort of joking around and than we START KISSING. And everyone starts clapping.

SO AMAZING.

Eventually the lights get turned back on and we just dance around some more and Ian and I were laying on this girls bed and kissing some more and I can't even remember what else happened and eventually we just wander around outside because we were looking for a good place to smoke but there's this big chaotic thing about one of Hannah's friend's friend going missing so we decide to just go back to NYU because we're freezing and tired. We get back to NYU after a long train ride and Ian Hannah and I are sitting outside Aaron's dorm after we drop him off and Hannah decides to call Saferide (which is the NYU bus system for late night) to pick us up - but Ian's dorm is really close so Hannah offers to wait to see if Saferide comes while I walk Ian back to his dorm. So we walk and than he goes into hug me goodbye and is just like fuck it and we start kissing and its so wonderful.

Gahhhhh.

My brain sort of melted.

And so I'm like hey are you drunk?? Cause I'm really sober at this point and he's like no not at all - which was really nice to know we weren't just drunk. So eventually I decide I should go back to Hannah and we say goodbye and I looked back and he was looking back toooooo.

GAAaaaaahh.

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....

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So eventually I get back to Hannah and it turns out she just pretended to call saferide so Ian and I could walk by ourselves and she's a GENIUS wingman.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

So happy right now.

Is zigaziga sex?

Hey time for the weekly blog post. The weeks seem like they're going so quickly - its crazy.

All week I've had class (but I've had a large amount canceled which is exciting - and I have a four day weekend yayyy). I've had so much homework - everything has been due at the same time which has been a little overwhelming but I love the work so it's all good. On Tuesday my philosophy paper was due but once I got to class we found out the class was canceled - we still had to turn in our papers sadly but I just ended up talking to this guy I really really like from the class. It was really friendly and I'm pretty sure he's not interested in me like that but it was still so nice.

Wednesday I had Sound Image and my work went over really well - my professor wants me to remix the beginning and she's going to use it as an example piece! This was so wonderful because its probably my favorite class and she's my favorite professor. It made me feel like I can actually compete (well we aren't suppose to face the competitiveness of film school as a competition - more of a collaboration, but everyone knows its a competition) with all the other really talented people here.

Anyway, yesterday my cousin, Julie, was free so we met up because even though she lives a few blocks away from me and we go to the same school we NEVER see each other. We hung out in the dorm for awhile and than Hannah found this thing online that said apparently there was a 90s dance party/group karaoke thing in Brooklyn. So we got dressed up super 90s and got super Four Loko'd (which is this energy drink/alcohol) and SET OUT. The only thing that was sort of awkward was my roommate doesn't drink so we were all drinking at my friend's room without her...but I don't think she noticed or cared. The funniest thing was on the subway to Brooklyn we ran into our Writing the Essay professor. The bar in Brooklyn was soo fun. They had a giant screen with 90s music videos and the lyrics playing. There was a dance contest too and my friend Aaron won a bunch of free drinks.

We had to leave sort of early though because the last train from Brooklyn to New York was leaving. After that we just walked around New York and Laura and Aaron went back to my room and Hannah and I ran into Julie (who had left early to meet her
friend). So we smoked a little and sat on the steps of one of the dorms. Eventually Julie and her friend had to go so Hannah and I just wandered around the village. We were both really awake and trying to find a party or something, but we couldn't find anything. It was nice to just talk to Hannah for a really long time though. The end of the night was sort of a let down but whatever. And the whole time I'd invited the guy from philosophy out with us and he never met up with us which was sad. :(

So that's been my week/weekend so far - we're trying to make this four day weekend really really epic so I'll keep you posted. Now I need to go find some coffee and shower because I wreak of smoke.

Love you!

Fingers Crossed in the Promiseland

Hey again! I've been trying to do this once a week so here goes...

Last weekend my dad drove out to the east coast we went to Connecticut (to see a friend of his), Vermont (to see my grandparents), and Massachusetts (to see my aunt). Vermont was really tough because my grandpa had a stroke a year ago and I haven't seen him since it. He doesn't know me at all anymore and it was hard for him to remember my dad. I use to be really close to my grandpa as a kid so it was a really tough trip. After that we stayed at my aunt's house - who has copious amounts of money - and ate the most delicious dinner I've had for awhile and so much coffee ice cream. I really like being on the east coast and being able to spend a lot more time with my family.

After that I came back to New York and spent the day in the city with my dad. Now I'm back to classes - where I'm starting to get a lot of work. Tooooooo many papers due this week.

Laura's gone this weekend - to see her ex boyfriend in Washington state. We dubbed this weekend Sexplosion 2010 but there hasn't been any sex on my part. On Friday my friend Ryan wanted us to go wait for SNL tickets (you can wait outside for Stand By tickets) and we were going to go at four in the morning and wait, but people started lining up at midnight soo we decided to let Ryan go without us. We are going to go wait in a few weeks on October 30th when the guest is JON HAMM. Best birthday present ever??? So we decided to go to this girl's apartment who we went to last week, but when we got there there were sooo many people that we just drank some awful, awful vanilla vodka and left. After that we went to the East Village and went to this place that supposedly doesn't card - but we were all too nervous to try so we just ate pizza. And since we were sort of drunk decided that we should also buy some falafel. After that Hannah and I sort of just collapsed in my room and woke up 12 hours later.

On Saturday I lounged around and then went to Washington Square Park (which is the park that most of our campus is around - so its kind of like our quad...just with street musicians and homeless people) and drank some wine and smoked something (that Hannah claims was weed but was totally just tobacco) and ate some fancy cheese with Hannah's roommate's friends. After that we went to this comedy show fundraiser with the improv groups from NYU because my friend Sabrina (who is amazing!)'s boyfriend is in it. Also her boyfriend is Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan's son. Its crazy.

After that we wandered around and decided to go see this experimental movie called Enter the Void. It was SO AWFUL. The first hour was crazy and cool but the last HOUR was sooo bad. There was like a ten minute shot from INSIDE A VAGINA. WTF.

So my love life - heh - the guy I was talking to at the beginning of classes was actually really intense and super awkward to be around so I've been trying to...give him a lottttttttttttttt of space. I'm not interested at all anymore....The only plus side of Enter the Void was that I asked this guy who I reallllly liiiike to come with us and he couldn't come so I didn't have to endure the epic awkwardness that would've ensued from that vagina shot. He's so goofy and awkward it might've been alright though. We will see where this goes.

I love you and miss you guys!!