Hello Again

Hey guys. I'm not sure what to write about - but I really need to write. I'm still having a really tough time here. I've been trying to push through - just go day by day but its so so so hard. I haven't been doing anything at night because I feel so awful. My stomach starts to ache so badly that I can't do anything other than lay down and cry. In the mornings I wake up so scared that I'm still here and than I walk around by myself for a few hours.

I know I should't dwell on what I've left behind but right now its the only thing that makes me feel okay. I've been talking to everyone a lot - so please please contact me. I want to talk to everyone so badly. I set up a counseling appointment next week - but its still a ways away. Every day is so insanely hard.

I know I'm being a baby but this has honestly been the worst week of my life. I don't like where I am or who I'm with. This whole summer I'd started to have huge doubts about what I was doing but I just figured I was wrong - but when I got here every fear I had was completely realized.

I miss my family so much its insane. I'm so close to my family that its so insanely hard to live without them. I also miss Max. So so so much.

I'm sorry this is just a huge downer and I know I'm being really stupid - there's tons of people in worse situations, but I feel like I've made a huge mistake. Everyone in the film program is so intense. Everything is so competitive - our advisor said the number one thing you need in this major is connections. Fuck that. I don't want to do that. I want to be a student and a scholar. I love film but I don't want to sell my soul to be miserable for the rest of my life. I know I've only been here for a very short amount of time - so please take everything I'm saying with a grain of salt - but I don't think this is the place for me. I want some where that keeps my brain working and makes me happy. Here doesn't make me happy at all. Right now I feel like what I really need is a cerebral school - a real school not an insane film program - where I can learn to do something like be a professor -not a production assistant or sound editor.

I'm also missing the genuine people. Everyone here is so fucking fake. And back stabbing. And pretentious. We went to the Met yesterday - which was the first good thing I've done in days and some of the people that met us there were just so....bored. At one of the best museums in the world. They just pointed out everything they didn't like and what was stupid. I can't stand these people.

My dad is coming out in September and we're going up to Vermont to see my Grandpa, so I can't wait for that. Also my cousin Meredith and I are going to go to Massachusetts for a weekend and my parents are coming back out in October. Also I'm coming back to Iowa for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So slowly I will work my way through the semester by visits and talking to everyone - so I can just get through this semester to rethink everything about what I want in life. Everything here makes me rethink what I want. I'm sick of the people who act fake - I've just stopped doing anything with my hair or my clothes. I want to be who I am and to come back to the people who love me for real.

I know this is a huge adventure for me - but I feel like maybe its going to teach me a lesson. Art is about telling people what is worth living for - so maybe I should just live for those things instead of the creation of art. If I have what I want to preach in art - why not live to share that with the people I love?

I know this is just a giant rant and if you don't read it that's totally fine. Just know that I love you guys so much and I miss you all desperately.