new semester

hey guys! i don't have a lot of formulated thoughts so i'll try to put some things here.

i got back to new york last week. spencer's mom offered to pick me up at the airport which was soo nice cause my airports in new jersey and such a hassle to get to (plus it was nice of her and i got to see spencer right away). i got to my dorm, dropped off my stuff, and she gave both of us a ride to spencers dorm. his roommates hadn't moved in yet so we just hung out and it was amazing - eating snacks, watching movies, goofing around, wearing minimal clothes. he also moved his furniture around and tried to teach me to longboard. it was all really, really fun.

i've been avoiding going home - i've only been back about three times. i made polite small talk with laura and i figured everything was okay and we could just go back to avoiding each other until later i was talking to hannah who said that (and i've told a lot of you about this already) laura wants to confront me and tell me all the things that bother her. she has this thing where she feels like saying everything she feels and being confrontational confirms and empowers who she is - which can be true for some people but just turns out really mean and self centered with laura. so now i hate being home cause whenever she's there i'm so nervous she's going to confront me. i don't care if she doesn't like me - honestly, i'd prefer it, i just can't deal with confrontation. i shut down and can never say anything i meant to. so mostly i keep my headphones on and don't talk to her if i am there at all.

hannah and i are still really good friends and we've realized we don't need to hang out all the time - we're both really relaxed about our friendship. like i'll see you when i see you and i know you still care about me, so it makes it really nice. we've also been talking a lot about how we don't want to be friends with the people we were last year. i feel bad, but i just want....different people. i want people who do goofy stuff and are genuinely nice and not obnoxious and have the same sense of humor as me - not people obsessed with material things and image and being cool and who are mean and not funny.

i've been hanging out with spencer's group of friends and i loooove them. i still feel awkward around them because i feel like the new one but they are so, so nice and genuinely hilarious. they remind me of you people you guys would really like. spencer had them all over one night and then we went to see goldeneye at midnight in theaters. it was so silly - they all just wanted to talk about how fun action movies are and how fun the goldeneye game is. hannah has been hanging out with us too and its really fun when its hannah, spencer, kaitlin and me. kaitlin and spencer are really good friends and kaitlin is a really funny overwhelming person. i like her so much but when its her and spencer i get sort of drowned out because i'm still kind of intimidated by how much i like her but with hannah everybody is sort of balanced out. on monday we played mario kart and got drunk and it was the best night.

i got hired for a job on campus. its as a tech at the cantor film center - which is an old movie theater they use for classes. i haven't started yet because of lots of complicated paperwork and training. i'm nervous because its going to be really hard and i'm not good with technology but it will be nice to have money. classes started this week. i like my writing class but its on monday mornings so its hard to get enthused. my writing professor wrote madagascar though!! we had to read loglines of famous movies (a logline is a basic summary of the story in one sentence - for example "a young prince, after his fathers death, must deal with his own guilt and inevitable rise to power" - the lion king) and kaitlin (she's a really good friend of spencer's)'s example logline was madagascar. it was really fun. my next class was poetics of witnessing. its a class through my school (tisch) at nyu thats open to the whole school so i'm taking it as a gen ed class. its alright - its about experimental documentary and its kind of irritatingly art school and vague but i don't have any time to switch to something new so c'est la vie. the next day i had an intro to editing class which i loved. our professors so nice and super goofy - he edited into the bedroom which is AMAZING. he showed us lots of reedited star wars clips and monty python. it got me really excited about editing. next i had my production class which is called sight & sound: studio. we're learning how to direct for multi camera studio (like how friends is shot). its not something i'm interested in doing - i don't want to direct, i don't want to be on set, so its really stressful, but we talk about tv a lot and once i pick it up it'll be fun. spencer, hannah and a bunch of my friends from film last semester are in that class but we got split into two halves and hannah and i got put in the shitty half. its a lot of people i would never work with and sabrina and aaron who are nice people but bad to work with and i really don't want to be friends with anymore so it just stresses me out a lot. after class they wanted to get lunch and i felt horrible but i just lied and went to eat with spencer and hannah. i feel really bad but i don't know how else to handle the situation.

so that was yesterday. i have studio again on friday and thursday is my day off. i will be working today but since i haven't actually started i have the whole day off! i had lots of plans for productive things to do but i slept over at spencers and since his roommates were gone and spencer had to go to work i'm just hanging out in spencers bed. i ate eggos and am drinking tea and watching downton abbey and am so content. being here really feels like home - especially when spencers roommates arent here. its a much bigger space than my dorm and it just feels a lot homier, plus it usually has spencer in it. (someone just came into fix the radiator - this is really awkward).

my future plans are starting to stress me out. i'm applying to study abroad, my first choice is a screenwriting program in dublin - but only 12 people get in. i want to go to dublin so much and the program sounds perfect. i'm really sick of new york and want to go somewhere green where there's country. but the things is...if i don't get in i'm going to do an academic semester unrelated to film and i'm applying to prague where spencer is also going. i'm so excited about the idea of it that now i'm just really confused about dublin. if i'm still dating spencer i will miss him so much in dublin and spend so much time coming to visit him. like it sounds silly to make this decision based on just a boyfriend and i'll obviously go to dublin if i get in, but now i really just want to romp around europe with spencer. i'm also applying for an internship with hbo over the summer. its INCREDIBLY competitive and there's basically no chance of me getting it but if i did....things would be so amazing. its paid and i would be working my dream internship and i'd stay with spencer all summer. i'm trying not to think about it because it probably won't happen anyway. i want to come home so much for this summer because i miss you all and my family so so much but at the same time some of you won't even be there and i'll just have to spend all my time working some shitty job to pay for dublin and i'll feel so unproductive and stuck. i want to stay here but then - staying here means i don't really live in iowa anymore - that coming home is coming for a visit and that freaks me out so much. all of it is just way too emotional.